The insiders guide to embracing change

It's been 8 months since our official move to our brand new home. I wouldn't have believed that after 15 years in the same place, I would be moving away from all the people whom I love and cherish to embark on a journey outside of my comfort zone. 

Needless to say, there's an old adage that states that life actually begins outside of said comfort zone and therefore, we should embrace this change, right? Well, it hasn't really been so in my case. 

They didn't tell me it would be this cold!

If I take you through the last 8 months, step by step, you would have a far better idea of my state of mind prior to arriving in a new town that offered few friends and even less memories. Sure I've visited this place before, a 2 hour flight away from my familiar playground and living space isn't exactly far from home. Once done with the visit, I'd pop back home after a couple of days of cold air and colder people. Everyone here is just doing "Me" and no one cares about the tourists and day-trippers. 

So there I was 8 months ago. Sure, I had some pretty challenging and unique circumstances that not everyone would face. I had to change my job, within a career I was building, separated from a company I loved dearly. At the time, I had no idea that there was life after this company, I had no idea what I was doing at all with the new one either! I had to pack up our lives, say goodbye to neighbours and friends with 3 weeks notice. I had to find a new place that was suitable for our needs and then, the farewell party - something the resembled a funeral. On top of all of this, moving is expensive. 

Sounds like fun and excitement to the 20-something version of myself, but the 30-something me wasn't enjoying the transition. I had dreamed about this move, I had even hoped for it, but I had no idea what hit me when it became a reality. I had to start at a new company with people who didn't know me from a bar of soap, in a town where I knew perhaps 20 people max. 4 of them were family and a couple were very, very old school friends that had last seen me with a couple of teeth and pigtails in Grade 3. Getting around was challenge enough because being on the road all day as a salesperson meant that I had to figure out how to drive around (for hours) and navigate my way through one way mazes in the centre of town. There was even a time that I drove down a one way into oncoming traffic. It took me forever to find the clients I needed to see, putting extra pressure on myself to perform. I missed the familiar faces I called on, those who knew me and my story.  

My husband and I were financially brought to our knees, so the next 8 months would ebb and flow between the life of kings and the life of peasants. We only had each other and life was all about making this an "adventure" until about a month in. I completely imploded into a depressive 6 month episode that would inevitably end with me realizing what I should have realized 6 months prior. Surrender to the flow and trust the timing of your life. 

It may not be easy, but it will be worth it - and hopefully pretty like a sunset

If you're feeling stuck in your current circumstance, here are some things that may help you to embrace some change. It's not a 'one size fits all' approach but perhaps you'll learn from my journey. If you're anything like I was, you may have to land up in hospital with colitis before you understand the meaning of surrender. Perhaps if that's not enough to help you see the light of relinquishing control, you'll have every door close in your face, lose your motivation and even find yourself face to face with someone pretending to listen to your boring sob story with glazed eyes and the occasional grunt to confirm they are still listening. If not, take heed of these gems. 

1. Whatever you believe it's going to be like, it probably wont happen the way you think it will. You can arrive guns blazing with a positive attitude and hope for the best, but life is going to shake your expectations and that's okay. Whatever change comes your way is meant to help you grow. 

2. You're so much stronger than you think, perhaps even more so than you believe! No matter what you face, how depressed you are or how many times you cry in disbelief that "this is my life!", you will be alright and things will get better. The pain you feel is temporary in the big picture. 

3. Your vibes will literally attract your tribe so make sure that you're aware of what you're putting out. One of my biggest breakthroughs was faking it, legitimately forcing a smile and pretending my life was amazing. The more I spoke words of joy and gratitude, the more good things started to happen. People will eventually get tired of your story. If you need someone to be a sounding board, turn to a handful of people you trust and leave the complaints at the door when you leave home. As you're driving to work, or when you wake up first thing, gently release yourself from unrealistic expectations. Count your blessings, brush your teeth and breathe. Oh dear child of the Universe, breathe.

4. You will question yourself and your decisions. This process almost looks like a self sabotage game of denial. You may even want to throw in the towel and retreat back to what you know. I can assure you that if you've come this far, you can turn back to what you left behind, but even that won't be the same even if you tried to recreate it. The chapter is over, have faith in the now.  

5. Maybe you're struggling financially, perhaps you're so broke you can't pay attention. The moment you get past the aggravation of not having total control of everything, is the moment you're free. You'll find that somehow, every single time in fact, you'll survive regardless of your current circumstances. Someone may bless you with money (happened to me) someone may give you extra business opportunities (happened to me) and somehow you'll find yourself at elaborate, fancy dinner parties where you're mingling and networking (and eating) with no extra cost to you (also me). The Universe will bless you with opportunities contrary to your current state of mind if you're willing to surrender and state your desires. In these moments you will recharge and you will gain strength. Celebrate in the small victories even while the tears flow, I believe that this is the greatest form of gratitude and gratitude opens the door to more good things. 

6. Your faith will be tested - so hard! If you don't have anything to believe in or a Higher Power to turn to, I suggest you work on Self Love and acceptance ASAP. If you've already got that in check, learn to pray. When I pray now, I pray from a space of surrender. Try it and you'll see that the Universe is working behind the scenes, with or without your participation. 

7. Change isn't a swear word. This means that while you've got one plan in mind and the Universe another, you need to trust that the change you're experiencing is polishing you like a diamond. You cannot and will not be the same person you were in a week from now, a month from now, a year from now. Your change may feel slow, but your growth will well up inside you when you realise that the circumstances didn't change, but you just got stronger. It's the rough tumbles here and the hard knocks there that will help you shine brighter than you were before you started. Change is the mirror that is held in front of us and forces us to see ourselves as we truly are. When you do that and embrace your state of being, you're liberated and nothing can eradicate your progress. 

Thanks life, I accept your giant lemon!

8. Be like Elsa - let it go. There was a time that everything that happened found me erupting into explosive episodes out loud and in stereo. My husband would stand and watch me red line in our living room because, wait for it, the garage door wasn't working or I spilled tea on the floor. Not really the kind of emotional quotient that fits the scene, right? I was burning out and I realised that if, at the very least, everything falls down around me, things will work out in the end with, or without, my rambunctious tantrums. 

9. This isn't where you'll be forever. There are times when you feel like this - just - won't end. You almost start tempting fate by declaring, "What next!", a dangerous place to be, believe me. You'll be served plenty more drama if you're willing to ask for it. Ever noticed how drama just attracts more drama? Well, if you're feeling like life is throwing you lemons, use both hands and pluck that baby off the tree for some meringue pie! The same works for joy. Be joyful, playful and stress less about life (while biting your tongue as the driver cuts in front of you) and you'll notice that your tolerance for change will improve and so will your health!

10. While all of this change is happening, try have some fun. Try new things, become inventive with your time. Attend free workshops, fun runs within the community or volunteer to another cause. There is nothing more rewarding giving back, when you have a "full cup", that is. When we are facing our own demons we want to run the opposite way of anything or anyone that requires us to invest in them. Remember that when you're serving someone other than yourself, be it through work, expressing kindness through random acts or sacrificing your time for another, you are practicing a form of meditation. The longer you stay in that space, the more peace you'll find. So give to others, it will ease your burden and it will hug your soul. 

11. Loyalty isn't as common as you may believe, not even from family. I've found that in the throws of change, you may lose friends. You may also find that you're able to make room for people who will understand where you're at right now. Others may stay clear of you for the sake of protecting themselves, while there are friends and family who may simply walk away because you no longer serve a purpose in their lives. Be okay with this. Friendships come and go and like to believe that each one serves a purpose. New friends are waiting to be made depending on what you need at the time, and their stories will make your life sweeter, just like that meringue pie I mentioned. 

~Namaste~

Today I met Zelna

"Ants & Bugs", "Zeal" & a whole lotta ingredients for recipes of success. 
That's what I learned from Zelna Lauwrens, world renown author and kids life coach who visited us in SA for a special intro to her work. 

Personally I've been on a very trying journey since taking on my fiancees two boys who live permanently in our home, and that displayed some concerns I'm just not equipped to deal with. So I went to see Zelna with hubby to get some answers. 

It's not that I battle with children, but I've never claimed to be a gushy, over the top, nursery school type personality who would give up all of her time to be surrounded by kids. No, I'm not that. I'm the middle ground woman who can be playful and silly while still enforcing boundaries and discipline. 

So why Zelna?

Being passionately curious about life's challenges and searching for answers, I found myself sitting in Zelna's presence. She's a charismatic, down to earth ex- Durbanite that oozes confidence and so much passion about her journey, a journey that has helped over 9000 children in the world not only find themselves, but embrace their unique identities without the labels.

Zelna's workshop material is based on her book called 'Labels are for things, not kids'. Now, before you think you know it all about parenting (and maybe you do) Zelna's offering includes checkpoints for parents to assess where their children are at and looks at family dynamics, eating patterns, sleeping patterns and physical well being - a holistic approach really. Her strategy is simple and candid and her workshop so easy to follow, even for a newbie mom such as myself. 

I've often tried to put labels on our children, because it's easy to quantify the concerns we have if we follow a systematic approach to their disorderly conduct, you know, a mainstream diagnosis.

Then, once we find the label we proceed to treat the child based on the recommended medical treatment as designed by doctors. Herein lies the key, as Zelda points out that most children that are labelled with a disorder are, in fact, reacting to a personal need that isn't being met. These needs can be met by listening to the child's wants and desires and understanding, through communication and upliftment techniques, what they need to be their best selves. This in turn strengthens and heals the relationships involved.

Getting rid of ANTS & BUGS

A lot of Zelna's work focuses on incorporating joy into the child's mindset, changing negative belief systems and reprogramming the child's mind with positive affirmations and praise. Zelna refers to this as "Zeal", which by definition is enthusiasm / passion. 

ANTS - Automatic Negative Thoughts  BUGS - Big Ugly Grumpies 

The most amazing part is that I've just blogged about this, this week! I wrote about how our thoughts become our reality and how I needed to shift my own thinking patterns away from the negative. I was reminded last night that my joy and my happiness also matters. I've been so obsessed with helping these broken winged children, that I've accepted the sacrifice of my own joy as a daily norm. Last night, I gave myself permission to find my ZEAL. 

I've also been schooled on whom I invite to my picnic. Reminded that my ANTS and BUGS are no longer welcome to share my sandwiches or chocolate cake as I bask in the hypothetical sunshine of my life. I too can change my negative thoughts by practicing my joy and flicking those ANTS & BUGS back into the grass. 

"Coaching is insurance for your children"

The beauty of Zelna's work is that it's being practiced all over the world by various therapists associated with and hand picked by Zelna to take on the programme in their own practices. 

Even if your child/children are not displaying obvious behavioral issues, such as my own, coaching offers children and parents alike an opportunity to set goals and work a plan of action to attain them. These goals could be in all area's of their lives, school, play, conflict management etc.

My Zeal Plan

According to Zelna, a Zeal Plan is a tool whereby we ask questions to get children to unpack their goals. Perhaps a vision board or through creative visualization in a technique she calls "Mind Holidays". 

"Use what you can or what you do well with your children", she says, "give them something tangible to learn from, because we remember by doing."

So what can I use or do well that can assist with the boys emotional and spiritual development? I think some regular holistic massage and meditation time is on the cards and aunty Tan is just the person to bring her gifts and talents to the table. Watch this space!


Special thanks to Candice Luck from Live Love Dream for the invitation to the workshop and of course to Zelna for her time and patience with (all my many) questions.  

The Now Moment

You may be stuck, you may have even given up completely. 
Like myself, you may have started to wonder what the point of everything is, the point of the struggle, the point of more uphill climbs than downhill freewheels. Fact is, it starts with our thoughts. Our thoughts become our reality and so we manifest more of the same. 

We get sucked into this negative thinking and somehow, climbing out of the black pit of negativity is very hard - even for the eternal optimists such as myself! Until I was reminded that I was the creator of my immediate circumstances and quality of life, everyone else was to blame. 
How do we get out of this blame game? Gratitude for what we have and then, gratitude for all the things that we don't have - in advance and in appreciation that things could always be so much worse. 

If you're battling to accept that you're here - now, keep reading. I recently discovered a kindred spirit named Jocelyn Daher. She is a writer for Spirit Science and can be found on www.jocelyndaher.com. In a recent vlog post, (yes, that's Vlog with a V for video) she quoted Lao Tzu, a quote I've heard many times before. 

“If you are depressed you are living in the past. 

If you are anxious you are living in the future. 

If you are at peace you are living in the present.”

Three things have become apparent for me. 

1. We spend too much time in our minds - conjuring up thoughts and feelings about negative possibilities that don't even exist (yet). We think about worse case scenario's because we're trying to control our fears through the re-runs in our minds. By playing out these resentments as a visual thought, we actually invite more of the same into our lives through manifesting our fears. Live your hope, let gratitude for what you have open your heart to more. 

2. Nothing is as certain as the very moment we're in right now. There is no guarantee of tomorrow and there is no way of erasing the past. By accepting, fully, that we're here - now and cannot be in two places at one time, we are in the fullest form of peace we can be in. Live your peace by accepting that nothing is forever and change is constant. It may be a bad day, but it's not a bad life. 

3. You cannot manifest your dreams if you're unable to be in the now moment. By focusing on the 'what if's', you're not able to fully manifest the joy you seek. 

Live your joy by following it like a curious child, follow what fills your heart instead of ignoring those things that ignite your soul. 

So how do we fully receive the power of the now moment? 

Wherever you are right now, wherever you're reading this, take a breath. Look around you and allow each sense to be fully aware of your surroundings. What do you hear? What do you see, in detail. Each waking moment offers you the opportunity to be 'asleep' and on autopilot or to be fully present. It is in these "now" moments of full awareness that we receive the gems that the universe is trying to share with us. Be open to these gifts and you'll find that life is full of blessings and opportunities. 

Be here now. 

My (un)Stuck Self

Have you ever just pinched yourself and realised you are you!
And in that moment, have you ever thought, "My name is (insert your name) and I'm this person, living this life in the place I live, doing what I do so naturally", but in a paradox realising you could have landed up being anyone else on this planet instead. You almost look at yourself in the mirror like a stranger at this alien body and face and think, "How on earth did this storyline land up being mine?".

Yes, I know I'm strange, these are the thoughts I think. I've realised I'm a 34 year old woman, in a relationship with my high school sweetheart that I've rekindled with after many years. We are disgustingly happy but we are living a shockingly frustrating life with his two damaged children that we're trying to raise on our own. 

Our love is pure, our bond, strong - but the tragedy is in the details. It's in the not knowing how it's all going to be okay, because so often I sit and focus on all the frustrations, instead of focusing on all that could go right. And therein lies my message to the universe, "I'm stuck!", or in my case, unstuck.

The big, fat lies we tell ourselves aren't true, but they become our reality when we start giving them airtime.

I've noticed 3 things that assist in the continuous manifestation of my misery. I am the creator of my story, I choose to rewrite daily. 

1. I think about the negative, to the point of obsession, about how much my life sucks. I do this because I want my cake and I want to eat it. I believe I can, but I can't see how in this circumstance. 
2. I speak about the drama's in my life as an outlet to anyone who will listen. Instead of changing the story and speaking life into the situation. 
3. I can't see the positive in my situation. I feel doomed because I've given up on helping myself. 

There was a time in my late teens when I clearly remember telling my friends I was going to work at an outlet store down the road from my house. It stood vacant for 3 months, with "To Let" paper plastered all over the glass windows. I told everyone that was going to be my new job, and when they asked me what the new store was, I just shrugged and said, "I don't know", because it didn't matter. What mattered was that it was just meters from my house and I was hell bent on being independent. I wanted to be able to walk to work and back without relying on my mother (or anyone else for that matter) for transport. 

When the store opened, I was delighted that it turned out to be a convenient store, full of every day groceries, cigarettes, nappies and cold drinks. I had no training, no previous experience in retail and no room in my head for "No". 

I walked up to the manager and asked him for a job, he was very quick to cut me short and tell me that all posts had been filled. I stood in front of him and replied with, "But you have to give me a job, I've told everyone I'm going to work here!", and he hired me on the spot. 

Growing older, we learn to fear more, we lose our sense of discovery and replace it with trepidation and skepticism. 

Lately that's where I've been. Hiding in the shadows of the person I know I really am. The person who is unwilling to face rejection again, who hides behind the comfort of the known. I always resented people like that, I always saw them as weak - yet here I am, knee deep, safe in the incapacity to part from my learned restrictions and just soar to greater personal heights. 

Three things I can do differently starting now? 

1. Try harder at following my authentic self. Go with my joy at every opportunity possible. 
2. Stop listening to the unnecessary, negative chatter in my mind. Because, none of it is real, it's all words that I've begun to believe! 
3. Take some real risks - put myself out there again and find my niche, no matter how long it takes, my strength is drawn from my self discovery.

Here's a little inspiration from Martha Beck which I'll leave you with. 

"The mirror image of suffering is the truth. Try it. Change the story. Change the course of your entire history. Right now."

 "You want me to lie about my past?" Diana wipes tears from her face with the back of her hand.

"No, to tell the story a truer way," says Herself. "Any story can be told infinite ways, dear, but listen to me. Listen well. If a story liberates your soul, believe it. But if a story imprisons you, believe its mirror image."

The Day I Remembered My Mojo

4 years have passed since I had the inclination, motivation or inspiration to participate in life. Let me assure you, I have a sturdy track record for being as passionate about a bag of peanuts as I am selling holidays to travel agents. I've always been passionate, but somewhere, my interests in self development and creativity faded with my hopes and dreams for a future. 

That zing I refer to as passion was no longer present. I found myself failing to commit my time to my holistic healing course. I found myself disinterested in getting up in the morning let alone being present and in the moment each day. My life was full of distractions, my cellphone permanently fixed to my hand. I found that I couldn't keep still, I forgot how to just enjoy life let alone know what to be passionate about. 


I call it spiritual amnesia. I had many conversations with my mother about where my lust for life could have gone, searching for it like the missing sock that relocates from the moment you put it in the washing machine. 

We searched for it through conversation, she prompted my heart and sifted through my mind with me - which often lead to tears of frustration, genuine sorrow and a series of days whereby I beat myself up for not being "more". 
I couldn't remember what it felt like to be genuinely inspired and piece by piece I tried to put together a solution to the mystery of the missing mojo. I just didn't feel anything for anything at all. In these moments, the void is real. 

Life gets you down, routine gets you down, work gets you down and suddenly you're a miserable human being with a history of incomplete tasks gnawing at your confidence. The more you're down, the less you want to be up again. 


4 years is a long time


"I feel dead inside", I explained in another hour long conversation with my mother on the phone. "I feel nothing, about anything!", my voice strained as I held back tears. 

Sometimes, it is not so easy to find a solution when we have no idea what this condition we face is called or in my case, what caused it. 
For the most part it feels like, 

1. You have no motivation at all, apathy in general about everything.
2. You won't be rushed, who cares if there's a second pile of washing, it's the washing's fault it's there not mine!
3. Things that used to inspire you don't, well not as they used to. 
4. You'd rather be asleep. 
5. You blame yourself for being lazy, people may even tell you that you're undisciplined. 
6. You don't see the point, of anything really, so dust gathers on your favourite book collection and the dog hasn't had a wash in about 3 months. 
7. As much as you tell yourself you're on a 'break', you can't help but feel like a failure, there's a burning inside yourself to do more, but what is the 'more' you seek and when will it grace us with it's presence. 
8. People just label it as depression. 
9. You've labelled it as depression. 
10. It could be depression, but it's not, because depression has a level of emotion attached to it, and this is just - nothing. It's apathy really. 

So there I was on this hamster wheel called life. Feed the kids, feed the cat, eat, sleep, rinse, repeat. Is this what I signed up for? Is this how people become bitter and jaded? Yes! I was bitter, jaded and everyone could see I was miserable. 

Your drought is over, you've just got to learn to sing in the rain

It's literally raining buckets outside my window, there's something cathartic about water. I've often wondered if the weather affects my mood, and on many occasions joked that the weather was affected by me! 

The truth is that inspiration, like happiness, is a choice. Now, hear me out before you apathetically throw an unread book at me. Inspiration as per my online Thesaurus search is an emotion, which is a noun, wait for it, for a mental state. Boom!

As the rain pours, I can feel the drought subsiding. Not because I'm suddenly inspired, but because I realise that the source of my drought and the duration of the same, has been a 4 year period of growth and adjustment. Where have you been for the last few days/months/years of your drought and when did it start? I guarantee you, you can pinpoint it to the day. 

In the last 4 years, I've endured a 5 year break up, 3 house moves, a new relationship with children involved (that I know nothing about), an emotional breakdown caused by burnout in 2015 and somewhere along the line the absence of my sanity. Yet, lil Miss GottaHaveMySh*tTogether wants to still be climbing a corporate ladder, writing a biography or winning at life in between everything - and this just isn't possible. Inspiration comes to us when we stop, create the peace we so crave and allow the creative juices to flow again. The drought is there because you closed the flood gates by doing what you were either expected to or forced to do. You closed the flood gates when you stopped looking after your own well being. 

This may take some time before you feel the cold trickle on those hot sluice gates, but the best place to start is knowing what you're working toward. Perhaps you don't know what the next step is, perhaps you have no idea how your life is going to turn out. Here's what you do know: 

1. You're powerful, you create your own reality and you have more potential than you realise. Don't tell me you didn't know that, because feeling stuck like this happens to those who know they want and deserve better. 
2. You already know what you don't want. 
3. You already know what makes you happy. Be it people, animals, vintage cars or writing movie reviews. You know you, and if you don't - make a date with yourself!
4. Break down your goals into small steps. Today you decide not to complain about anything petty (this is a personal goal) perhaps tomorrow you decide you need help in a certain area so you sign up for a workshop, short course or a lecture. Next week you decide to care for yourself more, so you put on your favourite dress or buy yourself those daisy covered gumboots to play in the rain with. 
5. You know you're worth more, so you know that everything is already all okay. 
6. Buy yourself a journal, even if you don't feel like it, start writing down and journalling where your thoughts go. Where your thoughts go, your energy flows and that attracts more of the same!
7. Remember the times you got life right, perhaps find old emails or letters from clients and/or friends that appreciated your unique talents and gifts. Those moments count!

Be consistent

Tonight I tidy out my spare room. Tonight I light candles and enjoy a bubble bath. Tonight I get out of my own way. Tonight I stop making excuses for why I can't be more and I vow to take action, one day at a time until the inspiration returns. Remember, the Universe supports action - make a decision and the answers come to you!

Just opened my email to this: 

"During the times we think we’re being “unproductive,” the seeds of new worlds are germinating within us, and they need peace to grow." - Martha Beck


It's time to go within and get real, but first, that bubble bath!

Toothache - a reminder to count your blessings.

Remember I told you that life was about remembering and forgetting? 
Well if you didn't read that post, today was about remembering.

I sat in the waiting room for the doctor to call me. It's been a rough week for me, one that included moving my life (and the contents of our 5 year relationship) into my own little flatlet 8 kilometres from the place we once shared a home. 

As I sat in my chair in a pile, the faces around me all seemed fixated on me simultaneously, as if I had an oblong head, large black eyes and purple fur. It could have been my disgustingly good looks, everyone aches to sniffle like a boss, and believe me, I was owning this!

Use Depression As Your Guide

Standing at the payment counter, I resentfully handed over my new credit card. It had been taken out as an emergency option to pay my unexpected deposit on my flatlet as well as the move and first months rent to get there. The swipe for the R1 200 doctors bill left me cold - and angry. 

Being unwell is the tell tale sign that the Tan within, simply isn't happy. It happens to me every couple of months and of late, the gaps between ill-health and wellness have become smaller. 

See, I thought I was fine and upstairs I am, but emotionally my physical ailments tell a different story. Your body is your compass, listen to it and it will guide you. As I trudge through Checkers, my heavy feet and slumped over body verify my emotional state. My soul left the building a couple of days ago, as if on vacation while I deal with life. 

Face To Face With Toothless

As I blankly stare at the selection of water hose's in front of me (I think I landed up on auto-pilot at this stage) an obviously haggard and destitute young man approaches me. 

My initial reaction is a cold one, I know what's going to come out of his mouth and it's going to be a sob story. While I'm the first to help a helpless and lost cause, I'm not in the mood to listen to someone's whining. I've got my own problems. No doubt he needs "R6 for a loaf of bread". 

He starts rapping at me in Afrikaans, I catch fragments of familiar words I can make out between the pathetic grimace on his face. I tell him I don't have money, cash money. And then for some stupid reason I tell him I've got a card. My logic is that if he's going to bullshit me, I have a come back in the form of plastic. "Show me yours and I'll show you mine", I concoct. He's still pointing at his mouth, his teeth, his face. If you haven't gathered, my Afrikaans isn't that great. 

His "recital" takes us to the medicine counter inside the store. He's apparently looking for Naeltjie olie (a Clove oil mixture you put on infected teeth, a cheap alternative to seeing a dentist) and while I'm inquiring with the pharmacist, he's being interrogated by store security behind me. 

If you know me personally, you'll know that I'm pretty easy to manipulate. I have a soft spot for helping people that has been a trait since childhood (be sure to ask my mom about the time she came home from work and I had a friend, his mother and younger brother camping out in my room because they had nowhere to go) perhaps I'm just a problem solver :)

Wake Up Tan

As I stood paying for the Naeltjie olie at the counter, I resentfully handed over R40 as the pharmacist confirms that my mystery man had, in fact, visited the same counter 5 minutes before, just a few rand short of the transaction. 

Why was he making this my problem? Why the hell must I pay for his stuff, I've got bigger problems, I'm not in the mood to do charity and I'm in credit card debt - again! Why couldn't I just say no, walk away and be done with it.

At this stage my patience has worn thing, again if you know me at face value, you would never be able to tell the difference between an irritated and an irate me, they look the same but feel different on the inside. I hand over the little brown bag, with an almost sarcastic 'There you go". He hails back praises of gratitude in my direction and I could have sworn he called me Tannie! (Afrikaans for auntie, usually said to older women by younger people).

My inner dialogue was something along the line of "Bet you he's gonna be drinking with the money he saved on those drops", the bitter version of myself pushed my trolley back down the aisle. Where the heck were those wall frame hooks I had been searching for? And then it hit me. 

Swipe after swipe the woman at the checkout counter exchanges glances at me. "Would you like a plastic bag", she asks. She smiles gentle at me and I coax a feeble smile back in her direction. I had been so caught up in my own self pity that I had forgotten, until now, that I had just returned from a personal consultation with one of the best doctors in the country and received the best medication I could afford - because I can afford it. And yet, here's a man who cannot afford a dentist (for whatever reason he's downtrodden and out of luck) and is in need of something as inexpensive as a bottle of Naeltjie olie and I'm that neurotic, disbelieving and somewhat jaded individual feeling as if I'm being taken advantage of. 

Of course in this day and age (and living in South Africa) we are constantly being taken advantage of, but regardless of the circumstances, it was a reminder to be grateful for what I had, when it felt like I had the world against me and I was "so broke". 

As I leave the Checkers store the same man sits on the public bench near the exit of the store, he's eating a dry bread roll. I've just had a Wimpy burger, chips and a coke for R60. His Naeltjie olie cost me R34. I see the bigger picture.