The Day I Remembered My Mojo

4 years have passed since I had the inclination, motivation or inspiration to participate in life. Let me assure you, I have a sturdy track record for being as passionate about a bag of peanuts as I am selling holidays to travel agents. I've always been passionate, but somewhere, my interests in self development and creativity faded with my hopes and dreams for a future. 

That zing I refer to as passion was no longer present. I found myself failing to commit my time to my holistic healing course. I found myself disinterested in getting up in the morning let alone being present and in the moment each day. My life was full of distractions, my cellphone permanently fixed to my hand. I found that I couldn't keep still, I forgot how to just enjoy life let alone know what to be passionate about. 


I call it spiritual amnesia. I had many conversations with my mother about where my lust for life could have gone, searching for it like the missing sock that relocates from the moment you put it in the washing machine. 

We searched for it through conversation, she prompted my heart and sifted through my mind with me - which often lead to tears of frustration, genuine sorrow and a series of days whereby I beat myself up for not being "more". 
I couldn't remember what it felt like to be genuinely inspired and piece by piece I tried to put together a solution to the mystery of the missing mojo. I just didn't feel anything for anything at all. In these moments, the void is real. 

Life gets you down, routine gets you down, work gets you down and suddenly you're a miserable human being with a history of incomplete tasks gnawing at your confidence. The more you're down, the less you want to be up again. 


4 years is a long time


"I feel dead inside", I explained in another hour long conversation with my mother on the phone. "I feel nothing, about anything!", my voice strained as I held back tears. 

Sometimes, it is not so easy to find a solution when we have no idea what this condition we face is called or in my case, what caused it. 
For the most part it feels like, 

1. You have no motivation at all, apathy in general about everything.
2. You won't be rushed, who cares if there's a second pile of washing, it's the washing's fault it's there not mine!
3. Things that used to inspire you don't, well not as they used to. 
4. You'd rather be asleep. 
5. You blame yourself for being lazy, people may even tell you that you're undisciplined. 
6. You don't see the point, of anything really, so dust gathers on your favourite book collection and the dog hasn't had a wash in about 3 months. 
7. As much as you tell yourself you're on a 'break', you can't help but feel like a failure, there's a burning inside yourself to do more, but what is the 'more' you seek and when will it grace us with it's presence. 
8. People just label it as depression. 
9. You've labelled it as depression. 
10. It could be depression, but it's not, because depression has a level of emotion attached to it, and this is just - nothing. It's apathy really. 

So there I was on this hamster wheel called life. Feed the kids, feed the cat, eat, sleep, rinse, repeat. Is this what I signed up for? Is this how people become bitter and jaded? Yes! I was bitter, jaded and everyone could see I was miserable. 

Your drought is over, you've just got to learn to sing in the rain

It's literally raining buckets outside my window, there's something cathartic about water. I've often wondered if the weather affects my mood, and on many occasions joked that the weather was affected by me! 

The truth is that inspiration, like happiness, is a choice. Now, hear me out before you apathetically throw an unread book at me. Inspiration as per my online Thesaurus search is an emotion, which is a noun, wait for it, for a mental state. Boom!

As the rain pours, I can feel the drought subsiding. Not because I'm suddenly inspired, but because I realise that the source of my drought and the duration of the same, has been a 4 year period of growth and adjustment. Where have you been for the last few days/months/years of your drought and when did it start? I guarantee you, you can pinpoint it to the day. 

In the last 4 years, I've endured a 5 year break up, 3 house moves, a new relationship with children involved (that I know nothing about), an emotional breakdown caused by burnout in 2015 and somewhere along the line the absence of my sanity. Yet, lil Miss GottaHaveMySh*tTogether wants to still be climbing a corporate ladder, writing a biography or winning at life in between everything - and this just isn't possible. Inspiration comes to us when we stop, create the peace we so crave and allow the creative juices to flow again. The drought is there because you closed the flood gates by doing what you were either expected to or forced to do. You closed the flood gates when you stopped looking after your own well being. 

This may take some time before you feel the cold trickle on those hot sluice gates, but the best place to start is knowing what you're working toward. Perhaps you don't know what the next step is, perhaps you have no idea how your life is going to turn out. Here's what you do know: 

1. You're powerful, you create your own reality and you have more potential than you realise. Don't tell me you didn't know that, because feeling stuck like this happens to those who know they want and deserve better. 
2. You already know what you don't want. 
3. You already know what makes you happy. Be it people, animals, vintage cars or writing movie reviews. You know you, and if you don't - make a date with yourself!
4. Break down your goals into small steps. Today you decide not to complain about anything petty (this is a personal goal) perhaps tomorrow you decide you need help in a certain area so you sign up for a workshop, short course or a lecture. Next week you decide to care for yourself more, so you put on your favourite dress or buy yourself those daisy covered gumboots to play in the rain with. 
5. You know you're worth more, so you know that everything is already all okay. 
6. Buy yourself a journal, even if you don't feel like it, start writing down and journalling where your thoughts go. Where your thoughts go, your energy flows and that attracts more of the same!
7. Remember the times you got life right, perhaps find old emails or letters from clients and/or friends that appreciated your unique talents and gifts. Those moments count!

Be consistent

Tonight I tidy out my spare room. Tonight I light candles and enjoy a bubble bath. Tonight I get out of my own way. Tonight I stop making excuses for why I can't be more and I vow to take action, one day at a time until the inspiration returns. Remember, the Universe supports action - make a decision and the answers come to you!

Just opened my email to this: 

"During the times we think we’re being “unproductive,” the seeds of new worlds are germinating within us, and they need peace to grow." - Martha Beck


It's time to go within and get real, but first, that bubble bath!

It's only official when it's on Facebook

I've just ended my 5 year relationship and the last part of the process was changing my personal details on Facebook. Changing from "in a relationship with" to "single" was probably the hardest thing I've had to do in my recent adult years, probably because when you do so, it becomes public knowledge that you've failed dismally at what was meant to go from "in a relationship" to "engaged".

For some reason, although it has been over a month since our breakup discussion, it's not really official till it's on Facebook. And as I make this final change, I realise that it's the last little detail that keeps us together. Now, it's over, really over. It's on Facebook and the world knows.

Almost as if it's been a dirty lie, the finality of this move has reopened wounds that are bearly a month old. The silent suffering I've had to do as I "Like" and comment on his status updates. Has it all been a lie or is this just how things are after you shift from lovers to friends? The pang of separation wounds me, the ache of guilt and torment regarding the finality of this leaves me unnerved and cold. How powerful social media has become. 

You're shocked, I can tell

No matter how hard I try to keep this simple, my emotional state is both complex and decisive, yet in a twisted paradox of apparent simplicity I hurt. A click of a mouse changes my whole world, a life that I've dedicated my time and efforts to with him, for him, about him. It ends our Summer days laughing in the complex pool and our Winter spooning sessions. It ends our photo memories and anniversary milestones. It's goodbye to couple selfies of places we're visiting and pin drops at our favourite restaurants.  

One click and our 5 years seems to dissolve into a series of flashbacks, our hearts ripped from one another where they were once knit together in what I thought was perfection.

Alas, life goes on. Don't cry for me, don't shed tears or mourn. For what seems like the end of "us", is a brand new beginning for "me". 


Next thing you know, you're moving on


Funny thing life is. You find the strength from somewhere and you just continue on, although everything inside you pleads for answers and closure, you just keep moving forward. It's as if I've been living with a complete stranger for all these years, nothing, not even "lets talk". Would have been nice to know I meant something, anything. 

But, I guess actions speak louder than words and if he wanted me to stay, he would have fought for me. I'm sorry I couldn't be what you wanted Toad, I'm sorry I'm not the Dreamgirl you thought I was. I hope you find her, I hope you find that person that makes you become a Warrior for love and the Hero of your own love story. 

Yet with all these questions swimming in the cesspool of what was once my adoration for romance and young love, I'm hoping that one day I can change that status from "single" to "engaged" to "Married to". Although life may seem to want to break me, the Universe is really conspiring to help me achieve my best life, my best love and my best version of myself. It's faith that gets me through, an faith that will make me stronger. 

It may not be official until it's on Facebook, but the writing was always on the wall. C'est la vie!

Why We Can't Quit DSTV

You may recall (South African's) a couple months ago, DSTV removed all Compact Subscribers Series Channel without any warning, but the pricing stayed the same. There was a massive uproar and I found myself ready and willing to irrevocably cancel our subscription with immediate effect. I mean at the end of the day all I need is SABC and eTv channels, I don't really watch that much television anyway.

DSTV's social media sites were set ablaze as disgruntled subscribers vented and protested over the removal of the much loved channel. 3 months later we're still subscribed. I feel as powerless to the subscription dependence as my sisters Sausage dog "Nauti" is to table scraps. 

So why hasn't anything changed? Why are we still paying as much for a tv subscription as we do for our gym membership? The same amount as half a tank of petrol and a dinner for two? Why!

Well if you've got DSTV you'll know that the Compact subscription has some of the funniest and most interesting channels to watch. From documentaries about human life, sex therapy and crazy fetishes to Extreme Make Over's and sheer comedic brilliance, its all there and we just can't seem to quit it. Perhaps its a classic case of the FOMO (fear of missing out) and YOLO (you only live once) that's clearly won over the logical part of my brain. How do you blame me, just look at these offerings...

• Max #128 - "Smoking Gun Presents". This could be the best hour of entertainment I've had in a while. A programme dedicated to short clips and comedic reviews of anything from Stupid Drivers to Stupid TV Commercials of our time. 
• TLC #172 - "Long Island Medium". My absolute favourite, never miss an episode series. Real life medium Theresa Caputo shares her live experiences, client readings and quirky family time with viewers. She is amazingly accurate and there will be no dry eyes in your house!
• NatGeo #181/182  - As you would expect, this National Geographic documentary channel is full of amazing information and research on animals and plants around the world. 
• BBC Lifestyle #174 - What's not to love?! There are great shows like "Come Dine With Me" & from end September "Come Dine With Me SA" for the critic and voyeur in you. The dry sense of humour that comes with the presenters commentary will have to you in stitches. 
• Food Network #175 - Hello, its food! Recently the Food Network started the local series called "Siba's Table", a super cute black South African woman who shares her cultural cooking insights with us. There's also "Chopped" which is a food cook off type series and "Guy's Big Bite" & "Diners, Drive-in's and Dives", which is an American show that has Guy Fieri taking us all over America with new food discoveries and his own personal recipes. 

I really sound like I'm punting them now but the fact is that DSTV has us hooked and our lives will never be the same. There is something about human nature that just wants to find out more, even if it is at the cost of a beautiful sunny day outside. 

R300 a month could get me a new pair of shoes, a massage or a wash and blow but each month we subscribe to DSTV because it's just too good to quit. I suppose you don't know what you've got until its gone, but in the same breathe you won't know what you're missing until you've tried it!

Until I find the willpower to disconnect permanently I better auto tune my next few days of television entertainment before I miss out, because you only live once right? Riiiight.