Today I met Zelna

"Ants & Bugs", "Zeal" & a whole lotta ingredients for recipes of success. 
That's what I learned from Zelna Lauwrens, world renown author and kids life coach who visited us in SA for a special intro to her work. 

Personally I've been on a very trying journey since taking on my fiancees two boys who live permanently in our home, and that displayed some concerns I'm just not equipped to deal with. So I went to see Zelna with hubby to get some answers. 

It's not that I battle with children, but I've never claimed to be a gushy, over the top, nursery school type personality who would give up all of her time to be surrounded by kids. No, I'm not that. I'm the middle ground woman who can be playful and silly while still enforcing boundaries and discipline. 

So why Zelna?

Being passionately curious about life's challenges and searching for answers, I found myself sitting in Zelna's presence. She's a charismatic, down to earth ex- Durbanite that oozes confidence and so much passion about her journey, a journey that has helped over 9000 children in the world not only find themselves, but embrace their unique identities without the labels.

Zelna's workshop material is based on her book called 'Labels are for things, not kids'. Now, before you think you know it all about parenting (and maybe you do) Zelna's offering includes checkpoints for parents to assess where their children are at and looks at family dynamics, eating patterns, sleeping patterns and physical well being - a holistic approach really. Her strategy is simple and candid and her workshop so easy to follow, even for a newbie mom such as myself. 

I've often tried to put labels on our children, because it's easy to quantify the concerns we have if we follow a systematic approach to their disorderly conduct, you know, a mainstream diagnosis.

Then, once we find the label we proceed to treat the child based on the recommended medical treatment as designed by doctors. Herein lies the key, as Zelda points out that most children that are labelled with a disorder are, in fact, reacting to a personal need that isn't being met. These needs can be met by listening to the child's wants and desires and understanding, through communication and upliftment techniques, what they need to be their best selves. This in turn strengthens and heals the relationships involved.

Getting rid of ANTS & BUGS

A lot of Zelna's work focuses on incorporating joy into the child's mindset, changing negative belief systems and reprogramming the child's mind with positive affirmations and praise. Zelna refers to this as "Zeal", which by definition is enthusiasm / passion. 

ANTS - Automatic Negative Thoughts  BUGS - Big Ugly Grumpies 

The most amazing part is that I've just blogged about this, this week! I wrote about how our thoughts become our reality and how I needed to shift my own thinking patterns away from the negative. I was reminded last night that my joy and my happiness also matters. I've been so obsessed with helping these broken winged children, that I've accepted the sacrifice of my own joy as a daily norm. Last night, I gave myself permission to find my ZEAL. 

I've also been schooled on whom I invite to my picnic. Reminded that my ANTS and BUGS are no longer welcome to share my sandwiches or chocolate cake as I bask in the hypothetical sunshine of my life. I too can change my negative thoughts by practicing my joy and flicking those ANTS & BUGS back into the grass. 

"Coaching is insurance for your children"

The beauty of Zelna's work is that it's being practiced all over the world by various therapists associated with and hand picked by Zelna to take on the programme in their own practices. 

Even if your child/children are not displaying obvious behavioral issues, such as my own, coaching offers children and parents alike an opportunity to set goals and work a plan of action to attain them. These goals could be in all area's of their lives, school, play, conflict management etc.

My Zeal Plan

According to Zelna, a Zeal Plan is a tool whereby we ask questions to get children to unpack their goals. Perhaps a vision board or through creative visualization in a technique she calls "Mind Holidays". 

"Use what you can or what you do well with your children", she says, "give them something tangible to learn from, because we remember by doing."

So what can I use or do well that can assist with the boys emotional and spiritual development? I think some regular holistic massage and meditation time is on the cards and aunty Tan is just the person to bring her gifts and talents to the table. Watch this space!


Special thanks to Candice Luck from Live Love Dream for the invitation to the workshop and of course to Zelna for her time and patience with (all my many) questions.  

The Now Moment

You may be stuck, you may have even given up completely. 
Like myself, you may have started to wonder what the point of everything is, the point of the struggle, the point of more uphill climbs than downhill freewheels. Fact is, it starts with our thoughts. Our thoughts become our reality and so we manifest more of the same. 

We get sucked into this negative thinking and somehow, climbing out of the black pit of negativity is very hard - even for the eternal optimists such as myself! Until I was reminded that I was the creator of my immediate circumstances and quality of life, everyone else was to blame. 
How do we get out of this blame game? Gratitude for what we have and then, gratitude for all the things that we don't have - in advance and in appreciation that things could always be so much worse. 

If you're battling to accept that you're here - now, keep reading. I recently discovered a kindred spirit named Jocelyn Daher. She is a writer for Spirit Science and can be found on www.jocelyndaher.com. In a recent vlog post, (yes, that's Vlog with a V for video) she quoted Lao Tzu, a quote I've heard many times before. 

“If you are depressed you are living in the past. 

If you are anxious you are living in the future. 

If you are at peace you are living in the present.”

Three things have become apparent for me. 

1. We spend too much time in our minds - conjuring up thoughts and feelings about negative possibilities that don't even exist (yet). We think about worse case scenario's because we're trying to control our fears through the re-runs in our minds. By playing out these resentments as a visual thought, we actually invite more of the same into our lives through manifesting our fears. Live your hope, let gratitude for what you have open your heart to more. 

2. Nothing is as certain as the very moment we're in right now. There is no guarantee of tomorrow and there is no way of erasing the past. By accepting, fully, that we're here - now and cannot be in two places at one time, we are in the fullest form of peace we can be in. Live your peace by accepting that nothing is forever and change is constant. It may be a bad day, but it's not a bad life. 

3. You cannot manifest your dreams if you're unable to be in the now moment. By focusing on the 'what if's', you're not able to fully manifest the joy you seek. 

Live your joy by following it like a curious child, follow what fills your heart instead of ignoring those things that ignite your soul. 

So how do we fully receive the power of the now moment? 

Wherever you are right now, wherever you're reading this, take a breath. Look around you and allow each sense to be fully aware of your surroundings. What do you hear? What do you see, in detail. Each waking moment offers you the opportunity to be 'asleep' and on autopilot or to be fully present. It is in these "now" moments of full awareness that we receive the gems that the universe is trying to share with us. Be open to these gifts and you'll find that life is full of blessings and opportunities. 

Be here now. 

My (un)Stuck Self

Have you ever just pinched yourself and realised you are you!
And in that moment, have you ever thought, "My name is (insert your name) and I'm this person, living this life in the place I live, doing what I do so naturally", but in a paradox realising you could have landed up being anyone else on this planet instead. You almost look at yourself in the mirror like a stranger at this alien body and face and think, "How on earth did this storyline land up being mine?".

Yes, I know I'm strange, these are the thoughts I think. I've realised I'm a 34 year old woman, in a relationship with my high school sweetheart that I've rekindled with after many years. We are disgustingly happy but we are living a shockingly frustrating life with his two damaged children that we're trying to raise on our own. 

Our love is pure, our bond, strong - but the tragedy is in the details. It's in the not knowing how it's all going to be okay, because so often I sit and focus on all the frustrations, instead of focusing on all that could go right. And therein lies my message to the universe, "I'm stuck!", or in my case, unstuck.

The big, fat lies we tell ourselves aren't true, but they become our reality when we start giving them airtime.

I've noticed 3 things that assist in the continuous manifestation of my misery. I am the creator of my story, I choose to rewrite daily. 

1. I think about the negative, to the point of obsession, about how much my life sucks. I do this because I want my cake and I want to eat it. I believe I can, but I can't see how in this circumstance. 
2. I speak about the drama's in my life as an outlet to anyone who will listen. Instead of changing the story and speaking life into the situation. 
3. I can't see the positive in my situation. I feel doomed because I've given up on helping myself. 

There was a time in my late teens when I clearly remember telling my friends I was going to work at an outlet store down the road from my house. It stood vacant for 3 months, with "To Let" paper plastered all over the glass windows. I told everyone that was going to be my new job, and when they asked me what the new store was, I just shrugged and said, "I don't know", because it didn't matter. What mattered was that it was just meters from my house and I was hell bent on being independent. I wanted to be able to walk to work and back without relying on my mother (or anyone else for that matter) for transport. 

When the store opened, I was delighted that it turned out to be a convenient store, full of every day groceries, cigarettes, nappies and cold drinks. I had no training, no previous experience in retail and no room in my head for "No". 

I walked up to the manager and asked him for a job, he was very quick to cut me short and tell me that all posts had been filled. I stood in front of him and replied with, "But you have to give me a job, I've told everyone I'm going to work here!", and he hired me on the spot. 

Growing older, we learn to fear more, we lose our sense of discovery and replace it with trepidation and skepticism. 

Lately that's where I've been. Hiding in the shadows of the person I know I really am. The person who is unwilling to face rejection again, who hides behind the comfort of the known. I always resented people like that, I always saw them as weak - yet here I am, knee deep, safe in the incapacity to part from my learned restrictions and just soar to greater personal heights. 

Three things I can do differently starting now? 

1. Try harder at following my authentic self. Go with my joy at every opportunity possible. 
2. Stop listening to the unnecessary, negative chatter in my mind. Because, none of it is real, it's all words that I've begun to believe! 
3. Take some real risks - put myself out there again and find my niche, no matter how long it takes, my strength is drawn from my self discovery.

Here's a little inspiration from Martha Beck which I'll leave you with. 

"The mirror image of suffering is the truth. Try it. Change the story. Change the course of your entire history. Right now."

 "You want me to lie about my past?" Diana wipes tears from her face with the back of her hand.

"No, to tell the story a truer way," says Herself. "Any story can be told infinite ways, dear, but listen to me. Listen well. If a story liberates your soul, believe it. But if a story imprisons you, believe its mirror image."

The Day I Remembered My Mojo

4 years have passed since I had the inclination, motivation or inspiration to participate in life. Let me assure you, I have a sturdy track record for being as passionate about a bag of peanuts as I am selling holidays to travel agents. I've always been passionate, but somewhere, my interests in self development and creativity faded with my hopes and dreams for a future. 

That zing I refer to as passion was no longer present. I found myself failing to commit my time to my holistic healing course. I found myself disinterested in getting up in the morning let alone being present and in the moment each day. My life was full of distractions, my cellphone permanently fixed to my hand. I found that I couldn't keep still, I forgot how to just enjoy life let alone know what to be passionate about. 


I call it spiritual amnesia. I had many conversations with my mother about where my lust for life could have gone, searching for it like the missing sock that relocates from the moment you put it in the washing machine. 

We searched for it through conversation, she prompted my heart and sifted through my mind with me - which often lead to tears of frustration, genuine sorrow and a series of days whereby I beat myself up for not being "more". 
I couldn't remember what it felt like to be genuinely inspired and piece by piece I tried to put together a solution to the mystery of the missing mojo. I just didn't feel anything for anything at all. In these moments, the void is real. 

Life gets you down, routine gets you down, work gets you down and suddenly you're a miserable human being with a history of incomplete tasks gnawing at your confidence. The more you're down, the less you want to be up again. 


4 years is a long time


"I feel dead inside", I explained in another hour long conversation with my mother on the phone. "I feel nothing, about anything!", my voice strained as I held back tears. 

Sometimes, it is not so easy to find a solution when we have no idea what this condition we face is called or in my case, what caused it. 
For the most part it feels like, 

1. You have no motivation at all, apathy in general about everything.
2. You won't be rushed, who cares if there's a second pile of washing, it's the washing's fault it's there not mine!
3. Things that used to inspire you don't, well not as they used to. 
4. You'd rather be asleep. 
5. You blame yourself for being lazy, people may even tell you that you're undisciplined. 
6. You don't see the point, of anything really, so dust gathers on your favourite book collection and the dog hasn't had a wash in about 3 months. 
7. As much as you tell yourself you're on a 'break', you can't help but feel like a failure, there's a burning inside yourself to do more, but what is the 'more' you seek and when will it grace us with it's presence. 
8. People just label it as depression. 
9. You've labelled it as depression. 
10. It could be depression, but it's not, because depression has a level of emotion attached to it, and this is just - nothing. It's apathy really. 

So there I was on this hamster wheel called life. Feed the kids, feed the cat, eat, sleep, rinse, repeat. Is this what I signed up for? Is this how people become bitter and jaded? Yes! I was bitter, jaded and everyone could see I was miserable. 

Your drought is over, you've just got to learn to sing in the rain

It's literally raining buckets outside my window, there's something cathartic about water. I've often wondered if the weather affects my mood, and on many occasions joked that the weather was affected by me! 

The truth is that inspiration, like happiness, is a choice. Now, hear me out before you apathetically throw an unread book at me. Inspiration as per my online Thesaurus search is an emotion, which is a noun, wait for it, for a mental state. Boom!

As the rain pours, I can feel the drought subsiding. Not because I'm suddenly inspired, but because I realise that the source of my drought and the duration of the same, has been a 4 year period of growth and adjustment. Where have you been for the last few days/months/years of your drought and when did it start? I guarantee you, you can pinpoint it to the day. 

In the last 4 years, I've endured a 5 year break up, 3 house moves, a new relationship with children involved (that I know nothing about), an emotional breakdown caused by burnout in 2015 and somewhere along the line the absence of my sanity. Yet, lil Miss GottaHaveMySh*tTogether wants to still be climbing a corporate ladder, writing a biography or winning at life in between everything - and this just isn't possible. Inspiration comes to us when we stop, create the peace we so crave and allow the creative juices to flow again. The drought is there because you closed the flood gates by doing what you were either expected to or forced to do. You closed the flood gates when you stopped looking after your own well being. 

This may take some time before you feel the cold trickle on those hot sluice gates, but the best place to start is knowing what you're working toward. Perhaps you don't know what the next step is, perhaps you have no idea how your life is going to turn out. Here's what you do know: 

1. You're powerful, you create your own reality and you have more potential than you realise. Don't tell me you didn't know that, because feeling stuck like this happens to those who know they want and deserve better. 
2. You already know what you don't want. 
3. You already know what makes you happy. Be it people, animals, vintage cars or writing movie reviews. You know you, and if you don't - make a date with yourself!
4. Break down your goals into small steps. Today you decide not to complain about anything petty (this is a personal goal) perhaps tomorrow you decide you need help in a certain area so you sign up for a workshop, short course or a lecture. Next week you decide to care for yourself more, so you put on your favourite dress or buy yourself those daisy covered gumboots to play in the rain with. 
5. You know you're worth more, so you know that everything is already all okay. 
6. Buy yourself a journal, even if you don't feel like it, start writing down and journalling where your thoughts go. Where your thoughts go, your energy flows and that attracts more of the same!
7. Remember the times you got life right, perhaps find old emails or letters from clients and/or friends that appreciated your unique talents and gifts. Those moments count!

Be consistent

Tonight I tidy out my spare room. Tonight I light candles and enjoy a bubble bath. Tonight I get out of my own way. Tonight I stop making excuses for why I can't be more and I vow to take action, one day at a time until the inspiration returns. Remember, the Universe supports action - make a decision and the answers come to you!

Just opened my email to this: 

"During the times we think we’re being “unproductive,” the seeds of new worlds are germinating within us, and they need peace to grow." - Martha Beck


It's time to go within and get real, but first, that bubble bath!