4 years have passed since I had the inclination, motivation or inspiration to participate in life. Let me assure you, I have a sturdy track record for being as passionate about a bag of peanuts as I am selling holidays to travel agents. I've always been passionate, but somewhere, my interests in self development and creativity faded with my hopes and dreams for a future.
That zing I refer to as passion was no longer present. I found myself failing to commit my time to my holistic healing course. I found myself disinterested in getting up in the morning let alone being present and in the moment each day. My life was full of distractions, my cellphone permanently fixed to my hand. I found that I couldn't keep still, I forgot how to just enjoy life let alone know what to be passionate about.
I call it spiritual amnesia. I had many conversations with my mother about where my lust for life could have gone, searching for it like the missing sock that relocates from the moment you put it in the washing machine.
We searched for it through conversation, she prompted my heart and sifted through my mind with me - which often lead to tears of frustration, genuine sorrow and a series of days whereby I beat myself up for not being "more".
I couldn't remember what it felt like to be genuinely inspired and piece by piece I tried to put together a solution to the mystery of the missing mojo. I just didn't feel anything for anything at all. In these moments, the void is real.
Life gets you down, routine gets you down, work gets you down and suddenly you're a miserable human being with a history of incomplete tasks gnawing at your confidence. The more you're down, the less you want to be up again.
4 years is a long time
"I feel dead inside", I explained in another hour long conversation with my mother on the phone. "I feel nothing, about anything!", my voice strained as I held back tears.
Sometimes, it is not so easy to find a solution when we have no idea what this condition we face is called or in my case, what caused it.
For the most part it feels like,
1. You have no motivation at all, apathy in general about everything.
2. You won't be rushed, who cares if there's a second pile of washing, it's the washing's fault it's there not mine!
3. Things that used to inspire you don't, well not as they used to.
4. You'd rather be asleep.
5. You blame yourself for being lazy, people may even tell you that you're undisciplined.
6. You don't see the point, of anything really, so dust gathers on your favourite book collection and the dog hasn't had a wash in about 3 months.
7. As much as you tell yourself you're on a 'break', you can't help but feel like a failure, there's a burning inside yourself to do more, but what is the 'more' you seek and when will it grace us with it's presence.
8. People just label it as depression.
9. You've labelled it as depression.
10. It could be depression, but it's not, because depression has a level of emotion attached to it, and this is just - nothing. It's apathy really.
So there I was on this hamster wheel called life. Feed the kids, feed the cat, eat, sleep, rinse, repeat. Is this what I signed up for? Is this how people become bitter and jaded? Yes! I was bitter, jaded and everyone could see I was miserable.
Your drought is over, you've just got to learn to sing in the rain
It's literally raining buckets outside my window, there's something cathartic about water. I've often wondered if the weather affects my mood, and on many occasions joked that the weather was affected by me!
The truth is that inspiration, like happiness, is a choice. Now, hear me out before you apathetically throw an unread book at me. Inspiration as per my online Thesaurus search is an emotion, which is a noun, wait for it, for a mental state. Boom!
As the rain pours, I can feel the drought subsiding. Not because I'm suddenly inspired, but because I realise that the source of my drought and the duration of the same, has been a 4 year period of growth and adjustment. Where have you been for the last few days/months/years of your drought and when did it start? I guarantee you, you can pinpoint it to the day.
In the last 4 years, I've endured a 5 year break up, 3 house moves, a new relationship with children involved (that I know nothing about), an emotional breakdown caused by burnout in 2015 and somewhere along the line the absence of my sanity. Yet, lil Miss GottaHaveMySh*tTogether wants to still be climbing a corporate ladder, writing a biography or winning at life in between everything - and this just isn't possible. Inspiration comes to us when we stop, create the peace we so crave and allow the creative juices to flow again. The drought is there because you closed the flood gates by doing what you were either expected to or forced to do. You closed the flood gates when you stopped looking after your own well being.
This may take some time before you feel the cold trickle on those hot sluice gates, but the best place to start is knowing what you're working toward. Perhaps you don't know what the next step is, perhaps you have no idea how your life is going to turn out. Here's what you do know:
1. You're powerful, you create your own reality and you have more potential than you realise. Don't tell me you didn't know that, because feeling stuck like this happens to those who know they want and deserve better.
2. You already know what you don't want.
3. You already know what makes you happy. Be it people, animals, vintage cars or writing movie reviews. You know you, and if you don't - make a date with yourself!
4. Break down your goals into small steps. Today you decide not to complain about anything petty (this is a personal goal) perhaps tomorrow you decide you need help in a certain area so you sign up for a workshop, short course or a lecture. Next week you decide to care for yourself more, so you put on your favourite dress or buy yourself those daisy covered gumboots to play in the rain with.
5. You know you're worth more, so you know that everything is already all okay.
6. Buy yourself a journal, even if you don't feel like it, start writing down and journalling where your thoughts go. Where your thoughts go, your energy flows and that attracts more of the same!
7. Remember the times you got life right, perhaps find old emails or letters from clients and/or friends that appreciated your unique talents and gifts. Those moments count!
Be consistent
Tonight I tidy out my spare room. Tonight I light candles and enjoy a bubble bath. Tonight I get out of my own way. Tonight I stop making excuses for why I can't be more and I vow to take action, one day at a time until the inspiration returns. Remember, the Universe supports action - make a decision and the answers come to you!
Just opened my email to this:
"During the times we think we’re being “unproductive,” the seeds of new worlds are germinating within us, and they need peace to grow." - Martha Beck
It's time to go within and get real, but first, that bubble bath!
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