The Now Moment

You may be stuck, you may have even given up completely. 
Like myself, you may have started to wonder what the point of everything is, the point of the struggle, the point of more uphill climbs than downhill freewheels. Fact is, it starts with our thoughts. Our thoughts become our reality and so we manifest more of the same. 

We get sucked into this negative thinking and somehow, climbing out of the black pit of negativity is very hard - even for the eternal optimists such as myself! Until I was reminded that I was the creator of my immediate circumstances and quality of life, everyone else was to blame. 
How do we get out of this blame game? Gratitude for what we have and then, gratitude for all the things that we don't have - in advance and in appreciation that things could always be so much worse. 

If you're battling to accept that you're here - now, keep reading. I recently discovered a kindred spirit named Jocelyn Daher. She is a writer for Spirit Science and can be found on www.jocelyndaher.com. In a recent vlog post, (yes, that's Vlog with a V for video) she quoted Lao Tzu, a quote I've heard many times before. 

“If you are depressed you are living in the past. 

If you are anxious you are living in the future. 

If you are at peace you are living in the present.”

Three things have become apparent for me. 

1. We spend too much time in our minds - conjuring up thoughts and feelings about negative possibilities that don't even exist (yet). We think about worse case scenario's because we're trying to control our fears through the re-runs in our minds. By playing out these resentments as a visual thought, we actually invite more of the same into our lives through manifesting our fears. Live your hope, let gratitude for what you have open your heart to more. 

2. Nothing is as certain as the very moment we're in right now. There is no guarantee of tomorrow and there is no way of erasing the past. By accepting, fully, that we're here - now and cannot be in two places at one time, we are in the fullest form of peace we can be in. Live your peace by accepting that nothing is forever and change is constant. It may be a bad day, but it's not a bad life. 

3. You cannot manifest your dreams if you're unable to be in the now moment. By focusing on the 'what if's', you're not able to fully manifest the joy you seek. 

Live your joy by following it like a curious child, follow what fills your heart instead of ignoring those things that ignite your soul. 

So how do we fully receive the power of the now moment? 

Wherever you are right now, wherever you're reading this, take a breath. Look around you and allow each sense to be fully aware of your surroundings. What do you hear? What do you see, in detail. Each waking moment offers you the opportunity to be 'asleep' and on autopilot or to be fully present. It is in these "now" moments of full awareness that we receive the gems that the universe is trying to share with us. Be open to these gifts and you'll find that life is full of blessings and opportunities. 

Be here now. 

My (un)Stuck Self

Have you ever just pinched yourself and realised you are you!
And in that moment, have you ever thought, "My name is (insert your name) and I'm this person, living this life in the place I live, doing what I do so naturally", but in a paradox realising you could have landed up being anyone else on this planet instead. You almost look at yourself in the mirror like a stranger at this alien body and face and think, "How on earth did this storyline land up being mine?".

Yes, I know I'm strange, these are the thoughts I think. I've realised I'm a 34 year old woman, in a relationship with my high school sweetheart that I've rekindled with after many years. We are disgustingly happy but we are living a shockingly frustrating life with his two damaged children that we're trying to raise on our own. 

Our love is pure, our bond, strong - but the tragedy is in the details. It's in the not knowing how it's all going to be okay, because so often I sit and focus on all the frustrations, instead of focusing on all that could go right. And therein lies my message to the universe, "I'm stuck!", or in my case, unstuck.

The big, fat lies we tell ourselves aren't true, but they become our reality when we start giving them airtime.

I've noticed 3 things that assist in the continuous manifestation of my misery. I am the creator of my story, I choose to rewrite daily. 

1. I think about the negative, to the point of obsession, about how much my life sucks. I do this because I want my cake and I want to eat it. I believe I can, but I can't see how in this circumstance. 
2. I speak about the drama's in my life as an outlet to anyone who will listen. Instead of changing the story and speaking life into the situation. 
3. I can't see the positive in my situation. I feel doomed because I've given up on helping myself. 

There was a time in my late teens when I clearly remember telling my friends I was going to work at an outlet store down the road from my house. It stood vacant for 3 months, with "To Let" paper plastered all over the glass windows. I told everyone that was going to be my new job, and when they asked me what the new store was, I just shrugged and said, "I don't know", because it didn't matter. What mattered was that it was just meters from my house and I was hell bent on being independent. I wanted to be able to walk to work and back without relying on my mother (or anyone else for that matter) for transport. 

When the store opened, I was delighted that it turned out to be a convenient store, full of every day groceries, cigarettes, nappies and cold drinks. I had no training, no previous experience in retail and no room in my head for "No". 

I walked up to the manager and asked him for a job, he was very quick to cut me short and tell me that all posts had been filled. I stood in front of him and replied with, "But you have to give me a job, I've told everyone I'm going to work here!", and he hired me on the spot. 

Growing older, we learn to fear more, we lose our sense of discovery and replace it with trepidation and skepticism. 

Lately that's where I've been. Hiding in the shadows of the person I know I really am. The person who is unwilling to face rejection again, who hides behind the comfort of the known. I always resented people like that, I always saw them as weak - yet here I am, knee deep, safe in the incapacity to part from my learned restrictions and just soar to greater personal heights. 

Three things I can do differently starting now? 

1. Try harder at following my authentic self. Go with my joy at every opportunity possible. 
2. Stop listening to the unnecessary, negative chatter in my mind. Because, none of it is real, it's all words that I've begun to believe! 
3. Take some real risks - put myself out there again and find my niche, no matter how long it takes, my strength is drawn from my self discovery.

Here's a little inspiration from Martha Beck which I'll leave you with. 

"The mirror image of suffering is the truth. Try it. Change the story. Change the course of your entire history. Right now."

 "You want me to lie about my past?" Diana wipes tears from her face with the back of her hand.

"No, to tell the story a truer way," says Herself. "Any story can be told infinite ways, dear, but listen to me. Listen well. If a story liberates your soul, believe it. But if a story imprisons you, believe its mirror image."

The Day I Remembered My Mojo

4 years have passed since I had the inclination, motivation or inspiration to participate in life. Let me assure you, I have a sturdy track record for being as passionate about a bag of peanuts as I am selling holidays to travel agents. I've always been passionate, but somewhere, my interests in self development and creativity faded with my hopes and dreams for a future. 

That zing I refer to as passion was no longer present. I found myself failing to commit my time to my holistic healing course. I found myself disinterested in getting up in the morning let alone being present and in the moment each day. My life was full of distractions, my cellphone permanently fixed to my hand. I found that I couldn't keep still, I forgot how to just enjoy life let alone know what to be passionate about. 


I call it spiritual amnesia. I had many conversations with my mother about where my lust for life could have gone, searching for it like the missing sock that relocates from the moment you put it in the washing machine. 

We searched for it through conversation, she prompted my heart and sifted through my mind with me - which often lead to tears of frustration, genuine sorrow and a series of days whereby I beat myself up for not being "more". 
I couldn't remember what it felt like to be genuinely inspired and piece by piece I tried to put together a solution to the mystery of the missing mojo. I just didn't feel anything for anything at all. In these moments, the void is real. 

Life gets you down, routine gets you down, work gets you down and suddenly you're a miserable human being with a history of incomplete tasks gnawing at your confidence. The more you're down, the less you want to be up again. 


4 years is a long time


"I feel dead inside", I explained in another hour long conversation with my mother on the phone. "I feel nothing, about anything!", my voice strained as I held back tears. 

Sometimes, it is not so easy to find a solution when we have no idea what this condition we face is called or in my case, what caused it. 
For the most part it feels like, 

1. You have no motivation at all, apathy in general about everything.
2. You won't be rushed, who cares if there's a second pile of washing, it's the washing's fault it's there not mine!
3. Things that used to inspire you don't, well not as they used to. 
4. You'd rather be asleep. 
5. You blame yourself for being lazy, people may even tell you that you're undisciplined. 
6. You don't see the point, of anything really, so dust gathers on your favourite book collection and the dog hasn't had a wash in about 3 months. 
7. As much as you tell yourself you're on a 'break', you can't help but feel like a failure, there's a burning inside yourself to do more, but what is the 'more' you seek and when will it grace us with it's presence. 
8. People just label it as depression. 
9. You've labelled it as depression. 
10. It could be depression, but it's not, because depression has a level of emotion attached to it, and this is just - nothing. It's apathy really. 

So there I was on this hamster wheel called life. Feed the kids, feed the cat, eat, sleep, rinse, repeat. Is this what I signed up for? Is this how people become bitter and jaded? Yes! I was bitter, jaded and everyone could see I was miserable. 

Your drought is over, you've just got to learn to sing in the rain

It's literally raining buckets outside my window, there's something cathartic about water. I've often wondered if the weather affects my mood, and on many occasions joked that the weather was affected by me! 

The truth is that inspiration, like happiness, is a choice. Now, hear me out before you apathetically throw an unread book at me. Inspiration as per my online Thesaurus search is an emotion, which is a noun, wait for it, for a mental state. Boom!

As the rain pours, I can feel the drought subsiding. Not because I'm suddenly inspired, but because I realise that the source of my drought and the duration of the same, has been a 4 year period of growth and adjustment. Where have you been for the last few days/months/years of your drought and when did it start? I guarantee you, you can pinpoint it to the day. 

In the last 4 years, I've endured a 5 year break up, 3 house moves, a new relationship with children involved (that I know nothing about), an emotional breakdown caused by burnout in 2015 and somewhere along the line the absence of my sanity. Yet, lil Miss GottaHaveMySh*tTogether wants to still be climbing a corporate ladder, writing a biography or winning at life in between everything - and this just isn't possible. Inspiration comes to us when we stop, create the peace we so crave and allow the creative juices to flow again. The drought is there because you closed the flood gates by doing what you were either expected to or forced to do. You closed the flood gates when you stopped looking after your own well being. 

This may take some time before you feel the cold trickle on those hot sluice gates, but the best place to start is knowing what you're working toward. Perhaps you don't know what the next step is, perhaps you have no idea how your life is going to turn out. Here's what you do know: 

1. You're powerful, you create your own reality and you have more potential than you realise. Don't tell me you didn't know that, because feeling stuck like this happens to those who know they want and deserve better. 
2. You already know what you don't want. 
3. You already know what makes you happy. Be it people, animals, vintage cars or writing movie reviews. You know you, and if you don't - make a date with yourself!
4. Break down your goals into small steps. Today you decide not to complain about anything petty (this is a personal goal) perhaps tomorrow you decide you need help in a certain area so you sign up for a workshop, short course or a lecture. Next week you decide to care for yourself more, so you put on your favourite dress or buy yourself those daisy covered gumboots to play in the rain with. 
5. You know you're worth more, so you know that everything is already all okay. 
6. Buy yourself a journal, even if you don't feel like it, start writing down and journalling where your thoughts go. Where your thoughts go, your energy flows and that attracts more of the same!
7. Remember the times you got life right, perhaps find old emails or letters from clients and/or friends that appreciated your unique talents and gifts. Those moments count!

Be consistent

Tonight I tidy out my spare room. Tonight I light candles and enjoy a bubble bath. Tonight I get out of my own way. Tonight I stop making excuses for why I can't be more and I vow to take action, one day at a time until the inspiration returns. Remember, the Universe supports action - make a decision and the answers come to you!

Just opened my email to this: 

"During the times we think we’re being “unproductive,” the seeds of new worlds are germinating within us, and they need peace to grow." - Martha Beck


It's time to go within and get real, but first, that bubble bath!

Hold on! The Shift Is Here.

Everyone is feeling it, it's an unwelcome blend of change and hypersensitivity.
There's something in the air, some sort of cosmic shift that I don't really know how to explain. If I had to try articulate it, I would explain it it as the end of the old and the start of a brand new being for each of us. 

While in the shift you'll experience moments of deep introspection, heightened awareness and for some (particularly me) a great sense of discomfort on all levels - physically, spiritually, mentally and emotionally. 

In short, I've been feeling lost. That's all. Questioning everything, questioning friendships, life purpose, seeing things in a totally different light. A definite repulsion for all things ego driven. Negative people, gossip, drama. The petty things drain my already agitated soul. Over the last few months the most important person in my life is, wait for it, me. Somehow I forgot this, not consciously but because somehow life has gotten the best of me. I'd forgotten that without looking out for myself, no one else would and I burnt out as fast as I was ignited with the desire to help others before myself. 

I had to get lost before I could find myself 

It happened slowly, then suddenly all at once. I started to notice the glow had turned into a dull reflection in the mirror and apathy was my attitude toward all things that made me smile and shine from the inside out months before. It's almost as if my body was walking on this earthly domain and my soul had simply left me to exist all by myself. I could feel the separation. My Angels that had always seemed arms length away were now distant memories until I was recently reminded that it was in fact me who left them when I chose to put everything else before my own spiritual and emotional responsiblities. I have work to do to catch up to my old new self, the shift has reminded me of this. 

I think I cried for a full day last Sunday, a purge of emotions from as far as 15 years back. Emotions and issues I honestly thought I had dealt with but the shift will do that to you. 

The shift will cause you to suddenly question everything you thought you knew about your life and where you're going. I sat in a pile, I was blaming the whole world for my list of excruciating circumstances, memories and people that I had to deal with. "How the hell did I get here?", I sobbed. I had lost myself and I didn't even realise it. 


Don't resist, just let it happen


I called my parents on two separate occasions this week, both times about the same problem's I've been dealing with. Just this afternoon both of these people, separate from each other for the last 20 plus years gave me the same advice. A golden thread of clarity hit home inside me, both of them sharing the same simple gems that have put everything into luminous perspective. "Go with the flow of life, let go of the need to control everything that you can't understand/fix/comprehend." 

Here comes the pearler

"I just wish I had a break, when is it my turn to just live my life and get ahead", I sobbed. To which both parents echoed - "Make your own break, make the change you want to see, create the life you want to live." 
(Insert facepalm here) You hear these snippets 1000 times in life and suddenly it's all relevant. Create.The.Life.You.Desire. Hashtag are you feeling me? 


So I'm back from the dead, back from the cesspool of self pity and loathing to bring you more blogging awesomeness, love, light and authenticity. Just know that no matter what you're going through, the shift is happening. It's not a tangible thing, it's not something you can control and it's not something you should fear. No matter where you are, if you're reading this and you're feeling the shift you're not alone, we'll go through it together. 

If you're in the same boat don't panic, it just means you're that much closer to a breakthrough than you realise!