My (un)Stuck Self

Have you ever just pinched yourself and realised you are you!
And in that moment, have you ever thought, "My name is (insert your name) and I'm this person, living this life in the place I live, doing what I do so naturally", but in a paradox realising you could have landed up being anyone else on this planet instead. You almost look at yourself in the mirror like a stranger at this alien body and face and think, "How on earth did this storyline land up being mine?".

Yes, I know I'm strange, these are the thoughts I think. I've realised I'm a 34 year old woman, in a relationship with my high school sweetheart that I've rekindled with after many years. We are disgustingly happy but we are living a shockingly frustrating life with his two damaged children that we're trying to raise on our own. 

Our love is pure, our bond, strong - but the tragedy is in the details. It's in the not knowing how it's all going to be okay, because so often I sit and focus on all the frustrations, instead of focusing on all that could go right. And therein lies my message to the universe, "I'm stuck!", or in my case, unstuck.

The big, fat lies we tell ourselves aren't true, but they become our reality when we start giving them airtime.

I've noticed 3 things that assist in the continuous manifestation of my misery. I am the creator of my story, I choose to rewrite daily. 

1. I think about the negative, to the point of obsession, about how much my life sucks. I do this because I want my cake and I want to eat it. I believe I can, but I can't see how in this circumstance. 
2. I speak about the drama's in my life as an outlet to anyone who will listen. Instead of changing the story and speaking life into the situation. 
3. I can't see the positive in my situation. I feel doomed because I've given up on helping myself. 

There was a time in my late teens when I clearly remember telling my friends I was going to work at an outlet store down the road from my house. It stood vacant for 3 months, with "To Let" paper plastered all over the glass windows. I told everyone that was going to be my new job, and when they asked me what the new store was, I just shrugged and said, "I don't know", because it didn't matter. What mattered was that it was just meters from my house and I was hell bent on being independent. I wanted to be able to walk to work and back without relying on my mother (or anyone else for that matter) for transport. 

When the store opened, I was delighted that it turned out to be a convenient store, full of every day groceries, cigarettes, nappies and cold drinks. I had no training, no previous experience in retail and no room in my head for "No". 

I walked up to the manager and asked him for a job, he was very quick to cut me short and tell me that all posts had been filled. I stood in front of him and replied with, "But you have to give me a job, I've told everyone I'm going to work here!", and he hired me on the spot. 

Growing older, we learn to fear more, we lose our sense of discovery and replace it with trepidation and skepticism. 

Lately that's where I've been. Hiding in the shadows of the person I know I really am. The person who is unwilling to face rejection again, who hides behind the comfort of the known. I always resented people like that, I always saw them as weak - yet here I am, knee deep, safe in the incapacity to part from my learned restrictions and just soar to greater personal heights. 

Three things I can do differently starting now? 

1. Try harder at following my authentic self. Go with my joy at every opportunity possible. 
2. Stop listening to the unnecessary, negative chatter in my mind. Because, none of it is real, it's all words that I've begun to believe! 
3. Take some real risks - put myself out there again and find my niche, no matter how long it takes, my strength is drawn from my self discovery.

Here's a little inspiration from Martha Beck which I'll leave you with. 

"The mirror image of suffering is the truth. Try it. Change the story. Change the course of your entire history. Right now."

 "You want me to lie about my past?" Diana wipes tears from her face with the back of her hand.

"No, to tell the story a truer way," says Herself. "Any story can be told infinite ways, dear, but listen to me. Listen well. If a story liberates your soul, believe it. But if a story imprisons you, believe its mirror image."

Men Take Heed - Cupid Aint Stupid!

Romance is something a lot of women claim is missing from their relationships, but is this something one is born with or something one learns?

Many women are attracted to spontaneous and funny guys with a sense of humour and a 'Prince Charming' approach to life, but what happens when you're with someone who doesn't have a clue?

Fortunately for me I've got a guy whose somewhere in the middle, he's considerate and sweet and runs me a bath every now and then with bubbles and candle light (the other day he managed to fit a little wifi radio in the bathroom to play romantic tunes remotely from our lounge) - other times he scratches his head when I claim that I'm feeling unloved and under appreciated. 


It's Not Inside, It's on Top!


Lets consider where romance begins. Some refer to Love Languages or claiming they are just 'lucky that they have a romantic partner' - some of us relate to it simply as consideration. Like sex, romance starts with awareness. 

We need to be fair to our blokes though, how can we expect them to fulfill our needs if they aren't aware of what is required/in the rule book of a 'perfect relationship'. It seems that Emotional Intelligence is to blame, and if you've got a guy whose not in touch with his EQ you may as well blow out those candles hunny cause dinner aint gonna cook itself! On the flip side a lot of us have stopped allowing our male counterparts to spoil us and dismiss their efforts as 'unnecessary'. 


EQi.org  is a website that describes high and low EQ traits.
They list signs of high EQ (essentially our healthy and well developed emotional intelligence) as follows: 

• Not afraid to express feelings
• Acts out of desire (not because of guilt or being forced to)
• Is interested in other peoples feelings
• Is able to read non verbal communication 
• Is comfortable talking about feelings
• Is intrinsically motivated 

Low EQ traits include:

• Insensitive to others feelings
• Is not emotionally available, offering little chance of emotional intimacy
• Acts out feelings rather than speaks about them
• Is a poor listener. Interrupts. Invalidates. Misses the emotions being communicated. Focuses on "facts" rather than feelings.
• Avoids responsibility by saying things like: "What was I supposed to do? I had no choice!

The Bottom Line

What your guy lacks in the romance department may just be directly related to his EQ. Ladies, we've gotta be the teachers because they learn from what we do but for the gent's reading this post, this one's for you!

10 Things Women Wish Their Men Would Do For Them

I'm not talking every, single day. I'm not saying you have to supersize the effort and go over the top, but here are some things we wish you would do to make us feel more special.

1. Be more spontaneous - we like random surprises. No one said go break the bank with a pair of diamond earrings (although if you're up to it!?) but it would be nice to come home to something different and unexpected. Use your imagination please.
2. You don't need cash to make us feel special - its the saddest thing to think that you'll only be ready to make us feel special when you have R10K in your account. A simple handwritten love letter or surprise email is what I'm talking about. What about a walk at twilight or a trip to Milky Lane to share a waffle? If you don't have cash, use your imagination - don't be lame please, we aren't with you for your stuff or your cash. Pick a flower from the bushes outside, give us a kiss and a hug from behind or feed us some dessert after dinner. Its about intimacy, which makes it romantic.  
3. Include us in your long term plans - We wanna hear about your ambitions and desires. Talk about a future event / holiday with us. Come up with some suggestions that include us. For example, "Babe, I'm going to take us away for a weekend before the year is up". You can keep it a surprise, or you can even discuss a couple options and show us what you've found on the net in terms of guest houses, interesting places to see etc. Better yet - just tell us to pack our bags and hand over tickets for two. We want leaders, no matter how independent we are. 
4. Girls want a million small things whereas guys wanna do something massive to show affection. Please don't think that small things mean little to us. We like that unexpected slow kiss in the morning, the butt squeeze as we walk out the door and that cute love note you put on our dashboard the night before when we thought you were taking out the trash.
5. Don't be a baby - we want men! 'Umming' and 'ahhing' about why you can't be romantic or spontaneous is going to make us resentful. Like I said earlier, no one expects you to keep this up every, single day. If you work near a garden nursery, stop by during lunch and pick up a cute cactus. If you're near a bakery that makes killer donuts, do the same. Whining about why you can't take the lead in the relationship is just depressing and will make us resentful - man up!
6. Its not all about us, but we wanna feel like it is - Nothing tells a woman she's wanted and loved like a man declaring his love. I'm not asking you to lie, I'm just saying that when we're getting changed in the bedroom into our Hello Kitty pj's, find it within yourself to get lost for a moment in our beauty, and tell us don't just think it. Compliments mean the world to us, but the female of the species knows exactly when you mean it and when its just lip service. Make us excited about taking our clothes off, being the 'hottest girl at the party' or telling your friends how well we cook (even when we burn dinner 6 out of 7 nights). 
7. Find the way you communicate best and use it - Some people aren't good with words, others let it all out at the pinnacle of a fight & others simply shut down. If your way of communicating is via email, then write to us. A simple catch up is so important to keep the lines of communication open. If your thing is to chat over coffee, then make a date and sit eyeball to eyeball and catch up. We'll appreciate the thought and investment you've put into letting us know how you feel.
8. Chicks dig cliched shit - Don't for one second think that you've gotta reinvent the wheel. Remember when you didn't send us flowers to our office on Valentines Day cause you were worried it would be cheesy, you were dead right but we love that shit! There is no woman I know on this earth that wouldn't want to receive flowers, gifts or a special delivery to her office. If its cliche and off the wall gushy and you haven't yet shared that with us, do it cause the declaration of love (and the envy of our colleagues) makes us feel appreciated. Lets start with the basics.
9. When we do stuff for you make a fuss! I often pop little love notes into Mr H's lunchbox, give him a spontaneous massage or steal a kiss while he's doing after hours work on his Mac. It's in those moments that I open myself up to you to reciprocate. We don't care that you're busy or being distracted by our efforts, all we want is some acknowledgement. Women gauge love by the things men do and say that isn't expected of them. When you're vulnerable and put yourself out there (like telling everyone on Facebook that your girlfriend is the best ever!) it warms our hearts more than any diamonds and dinners can come close to!
10. Think. Please. Whether you've been married for 25 years or dating for 2.5 years, relationships take effort & dedication. If you hear us talking about an event we wanna see or a place we wanna visit, take heed and make a mental note. We're constantly giving away our innermost desires so being strapped for inspiration means you're not listening! If you can't afford to take us to said place for a whole weekend, suggest we take a drive there together. If we've been saying how fat and bloated we feel, lighten our heavy hearts by telling us we're awesome and show it on your face when you say so while offering a foot rub.  Remember, we can see through the bull and know when you're faking it. Don't be selfish, this takes effort - even on our part!
11. Bonus point - We need sex just as much as you do. If there's nothing happening in the bedroom, you're gonna make us worried. We need sex just as much as you do, but often you wanna get hot and heavy while we wanna ease into it. Yes, you've been busy and you're tired and my mom is visiting but a little cheeky time means making some effort to create intimacy and winging it. It will be as fun and spontaneous as your mind allows it to be.  It's as important to us to physically connect with you as it is for you to let us know that we're sexy, beautiful and attractive to you. You cannot tell us often enough. We wanna feel proud about our sex lives, hear your fantasies (nothing creepy please) and wanna smile to ourselves about that "you're so beautiful" comment you mentioned in the middle of it all. 

To recap gents:

When in doubt, get creative and make some effort. A happy woman is the best kind of woman you could ever be with and if you're the reason its even better!  That's all - now go make us proud.