Today I met Zelna

"Ants & Bugs", "Zeal" & a whole lotta ingredients for recipes of success. 
That's what I learned from Zelna Lauwrens, world renown author and kids life coach who visited us in SA for a special intro to her work. 

Personally I've been on a very trying journey since taking on my fiancees two boys who live permanently in our home, and that displayed some concerns I'm just not equipped to deal with. So I went to see Zelna with hubby to get some answers. 

It's not that I battle with children, but I've never claimed to be a gushy, over the top, nursery school type personality who would give up all of her time to be surrounded by kids. No, I'm not that. I'm the middle ground woman who can be playful and silly while still enforcing boundaries and discipline. 

So why Zelna?

Being passionately curious about life's challenges and searching for answers, I found myself sitting in Zelna's presence. She's a charismatic, down to earth ex- Durbanite that oozes confidence and so much passion about her journey, a journey that has helped over 9000 children in the world not only find themselves, but embrace their unique identities without the labels.

Zelna's workshop material is based on her book called 'Labels are for things, not kids'. Now, before you think you know it all about parenting (and maybe you do) Zelna's offering includes checkpoints for parents to assess where their children are at and looks at family dynamics, eating patterns, sleeping patterns and physical well being - a holistic approach really. Her strategy is simple and candid and her workshop so easy to follow, even for a newbie mom such as myself. 

I've often tried to put labels on our children, because it's easy to quantify the concerns we have if we follow a systematic approach to their disorderly conduct, you know, a mainstream diagnosis.

Then, once we find the label we proceed to treat the child based on the recommended medical treatment as designed by doctors. Herein lies the key, as Zelda points out that most children that are labelled with a disorder are, in fact, reacting to a personal need that isn't being met. These needs can be met by listening to the child's wants and desires and understanding, through communication and upliftment techniques, what they need to be their best selves. This in turn strengthens and heals the relationships involved.

Getting rid of ANTS & BUGS

A lot of Zelna's work focuses on incorporating joy into the child's mindset, changing negative belief systems and reprogramming the child's mind with positive affirmations and praise. Zelna refers to this as "Zeal", which by definition is enthusiasm / passion. 

ANTS - Automatic Negative Thoughts  BUGS - Big Ugly Grumpies 

The most amazing part is that I've just blogged about this, this week! I wrote about how our thoughts become our reality and how I needed to shift my own thinking patterns away from the negative. I was reminded last night that my joy and my happiness also matters. I've been so obsessed with helping these broken winged children, that I've accepted the sacrifice of my own joy as a daily norm. Last night, I gave myself permission to find my ZEAL. 

I've also been schooled on whom I invite to my picnic. Reminded that my ANTS and BUGS are no longer welcome to share my sandwiches or chocolate cake as I bask in the hypothetical sunshine of my life. I too can change my negative thoughts by practicing my joy and flicking those ANTS & BUGS back into the grass. 

"Coaching is insurance for your children"

The beauty of Zelna's work is that it's being practiced all over the world by various therapists associated with and hand picked by Zelna to take on the programme in their own practices. 

Even if your child/children are not displaying obvious behavioral issues, such as my own, coaching offers children and parents alike an opportunity to set goals and work a plan of action to attain them. These goals could be in all area's of their lives, school, play, conflict management etc.

My Zeal Plan

According to Zelna, a Zeal Plan is a tool whereby we ask questions to get children to unpack their goals. Perhaps a vision board or through creative visualization in a technique she calls "Mind Holidays". 

"Use what you can or what you do well with your children", she says, "give them something tangible to learn from, because we remember by doing."

So what can I use or do well that can assist with the boys emotional and spiritual development? I think some regular holistic massage and meditation time is on the cards and aunty Tan is just the person to bring her gifts and talents to the table. Watch this space!


Special thanks to Candice Luck from Live Love Dream for the invitation to the workshop and of course to Zelna for her time and patience with (all my many) questions.  

It's only official when it's on Facebook

I've just ended my 5 year relationship and the last part of the process was changing my personal details on Facebook. Changing from "in a relationship with" to "single" was probably the hardest thing I've had to do in my recent adult years, probably because when you do so, it becomes public knowledge that you've failed dismally at what was meant to go from "in a relationship" to "engaged".

For some reason, although it has been over a month since our breakup discussion, it's not really official till it's on Facebook. And as I make this final change, I realise that it's the last little detail that keeps us together. Now, it's over, really over. It's on Facebook and the world knows.

Almost as if it's been a dirty lie, the finality of this move has reopened wounds that are bearly a month old. The silent suffering I've had to do as I "Like" and comment on his status updates. Has it all been a lie or is this just how things are after you shift from lovers to friends? The pang of separation wounds me, the ache of guilt and torment regarding the finality of this leaves me unnerved and cold. How powerful social media has become. 

You're shocked, I can tell

No matter how hard I try to keep this simple, my emotional state is both complex and decisive, yet in a twisted paradox of apparent simplicity I hurt. A click of a mouse changes my whole world, a life that I've dedicated my time and efforts to with him, for him, about him. It ends our Summer days laughing in the complex pool and our Winter spooning sessions. It ends our photo memories and anniversary milestones. It's goodbye to couple selfies of places we're visiting and pin drops at our favourite restaurants.  

One click and our 5 years seems to dissolve into a series of flashbacks, our hearts ripped from one another where they were once knit together in what I thought was perfection.

Alas, life goes on. Don't cry for me, don't shed tears or mourn. For what seems like the end of "us", is a brand new beginning for "me". 


Next thing you know, you're moving on


Funny thing life is. You find the strength from somewhere and you just continue on, although everything inside you pleads for answers and closure, you just keep moving forward. It's as if I've been living with a complete stranger for all these years, nothing, not even "lets talk". Would have been nice to know I meant something, anything. 

But, I guess actions speak louder than words and if he wanted me to stay, he would have fought for me. I'm sorry I couldn't be what you wanted Toad, I'm sorry I'm not the Dreamgirl you thought I was. I hope you find her, I hope you find that person that makes you become a Warrior for love and the Hero of your own love story. 

Yet with all these questions swimming in the cesspool of what was once my adoration for romance and young love, I'm hoping that one day I can change that status from "single" to "engaged" to "Married to". Although life may seem to want to break me, the Universe is really conspiring to help me achieve my best life, my best love and my best version of myself. It's faith that gets me through, an faith that will make me stronger. 

It may not be official until it's on Facebook, but the writing was always on the wall. C'est la vie!