My (un)Stuck Self

Have you ever just pinched yourself and realised you are you!
And in that moment, have you ever thought, "My name is (insert your name) and I'm this person, living this life in the place I live, doing what I do so naturally", but in a paradox realising you could have landed up being anyone else on this planet instead. You almost look at yourself in the mirror like a stranger at this alien body and face and think, "How on earth did this storyline land up being mine?".

Yes, I know I'm strange, these are the thoughts I think. I've realised I'm a 34 year old woman, in a relationship with my high school sweetheart that I've rekindled with after many years. We are disgustingly happy but we are living a shockingly frustrating life with his two damaged children that we're trying to raise on our own. 

Our love is pure, our bond, strong - but the tragedy is in the details. It's in the not knowing how it's all going to be okay, because so often I sit and focus on all the frustrations, instead of focusing on all that could go right. And therein lies my message to the universe, "I'm stuck!", or in my case, unstuck.

The big, fat lies we tell ourselves aren't true, but they become our reality when we start giving them airtime.

I've noticed 3 things that assist in the continuous manifestation of my misery. I am the creator of my story, I choose to rewrite daily. 

1. I think about the negative, to the point of obsession, about how much my life sucks. I do this because I want my cake and I want to eat it. I believe I can, but I can't see how in this circumstance. 
2. I speak about the drama's in my life as an outlet to anyone who will listen. Instead of changing the story and speaking life into the situation. 
3. I can't see the positive in my situation. I feel doomed because I've given up on helping myself. 

There was a time in my late teens when I clearly remember telling my friends I was going to work at an outlet store down the road from my house. It stood vacant for 3 months, with "To Let" paper plastered all over the glass windows. I told everyone that was going to be my new job, and when they asked me what the new store was, I just shrugged and said, "I don't know", because it didn't matter. What mattered was that it was just meters from my house and I was hell bent on being independent. I wanted to be able to walk to work and back without relying on my mother (or anyone else for that matter) for transport. 

When the store opened, I was delighted that it turned out to be a convenient store, full of every day groceries, cigarettes, nappies and cold drinks. I had no training, no previous experience in retail and no room in my head for "No". 

I walked up to the manager and asked him for a job, he was very quick to cut me short and tell me that all posts had been filled. I stood in front of him and replied with, "But you have to give me a job, I've told everyone I'm going to work here!", and he hired me on the spot. 

Growing older, we learn to fear more, we lose our sense of discovery and replace it with trepidation and skepticism. 

Lately that's where I've been. Hiding in the shadows of the person I know I really am. The person who is unwilling to face rejection again, who hides behind the comfort of the known. I always resented people like that, I always saw them as weak - yet here I am, knee deep, safe in the incapacity to part from my learned restrictions and just soar to greater personal heights. 

Three things I can do differently starting now? 

1. Try harder at following my authentic self. Go with my joy at every opportunity possible. 
2. Stop listening to the unnecessary, negative chatter in my mind. Because, none of it is real, it's all words that I've begun to believe! 
3. Take some real risks - put myself out there again and find my niche, no matter how long it takes, my strength is drawn from my self discovery.

Here's a little inspiration from Martha Beck which I'll leave you with. 

"The mirror image of suffering is the truth. Try it. Change the story. Change the course of your entire history. Right now."

 "You want me to lie about my past?" Diana wipes tears from her face with the back of her hand.

"No, to tell the story a truer way," says Herself. "Any story can be told infinite ways, dear, but listen to me. Listen well. If a story liberates your soul, believe it. But if a story imprisons you, believe its mirror image."