I've just ended my 5 year relationship and the last part of the process was changing my personal details on Facebook. Changing from "in a relationship with" to "single" was probably the hardest thing I've had to do in my recent adult years, probably because when you do so, it becomes public knowledge that you've failed dismally at what was meant to go from "in a relationship" to "engaged".
For some reason, although it has been over a month since our breakup discussion, it's not really official till it's on Facebook. And as I make this final change, I realise that it's the last little detail that keeps us together. Now, it's over, really over. It's on Facebook and the world knows.
Almost as if it's been a dirty lie, the finality of this move has reopened wounds that are bearly a month old. The silent suffering I've had to do as I "Like" and comment on his status updates. Has it all been a lie or is this just how things are after you shift from lovers to friends? The pang of separation wounds me, the ache of guilt and torment regarding the finality of this leaves me unnerved and cold. How powerful social media has become.
You're shocked, I can tell
No matter how hard I try to keep this simple, my emotional state is both complex and decisive, yet in a twisted paradox of apparent simplicity I hurt. A click of a mouse changes my whole world, a life that I've dedicated my time and efforts to with him, for him, about him. It ends our Summer days laughing in the complex pool and our Winter spooning sessions. It ends our photo memories and anniversary milestones. It's goodbye to couple selfies of places we're visiting and pin drops at our favourite restaurants.
One click and our 5 years seems to dissolve into a series of flashbacks, our hearts ripped from one another where they were once knit together in what I thought was perfection.
Alas, life goes on. Don't cry for me, don't shed tears or mourn. For what seems like the end of "us", is a brand new beginning for "me".
Next thing you know, you're moving on
Funny thing life is. You find the strength from somewhere and you just continue on, although everything inside you pleads for answers and closure, you just keep moving forward. It's as if I've been living with a complete stranger for all these years, nothing, not even "lets talk". Would have been nice to know I meant something, anything.
But, I guess actions speak louder than words and if he wanted me to stay, he would have fought for me. I'm sorry I couldn't be what you wanted Toad, I'm sorry I'm not the Dreamgirl you thought I was. I hope you find her, I hope you find that person that makes you become a Warrior for love and the Hero of your own love story.
Yet with all these questions swimming in the cesspool of what was once my adoration for romance and young love, I'm hoping that one day I can change that status from "single" to "engaged" to "Married to". Although life may seem to want to break me, the Universe is really conspiring to help me achieve my best life, my best love and my best version of myself. It's faith that gets me through, an faith that will make me stronger.
It may not be official until it's on Facebook, but the writing was always on the wall. C'est la vie!
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