Awareness sets you free. It's the difference between life happening to you versus for you - to learn from and by.
The last 2 weeks find me somewhere between limbo and and abyss of emotions, my awareness of every moment, constantly teaching me new things.
What you haven't seen on my Facebook
If you follow my posts, you'll know that I'm going through a bit of a life changing period. Today was hard.
I sat in the car outside Builders Warehouse sobbing. It's been the first real moment of manifested misery and frustration since our breakup. I had invested 5 years into him, 5 years into us. Why did I feel like such a failure, as if I could have done more. I lick my deep wounds.
Last night, my mother (whose going through her own lessons) Skyped me in frustration as she prepared for another wedding. She's a talented and dedicated floral artist and decor designer that was simply having a bad day. A series of mishaps with her planning and flower arrangements has left her feeling defeated and deflated. It's not the bigger picture and it's not the norm, but it is life. Life with it's mixture of up's and down's and unforeseen blessings.
She continued to explain how her major arrangement had accidentally been smashed and how she would have to do it all over again. Seeing the glass half full I comforted her with, "Perhaps the Universe, knowing how much you love doing what you do, has given you a second chance to do the same thing with as much love and passion as always - can you find that passion again while feeling the way you do?" I was trying to illustrate that life doesn't happen on our terms, if you love something as much as my mother loves her floral artistry, the Universe will give you an opportunity to prove your unconditional dedication but the final outcome depends on your attitude in the face of adversity.
With fists in the air we shared our emotional dilemma's for the day and then laughed it off as we do when we're together. "It's one of life's lessons" I explain to her, "how badly do you want to keep doing what you love?" Her facial expression was clearly less than approving. We expect things to go smoothly 24/7 and when it doesn't we take it personally, as if life is happening to us.
Today was a tough one. I sat crying in the car, crying on the way home on the phone to a man that has been sent into my life as a friend, but is actually the loudest and clearest voice of reason I know. He consoles me, listens and advises until I've turned off my car and I'm sitting in the carport at my new home. "It just doesn't seem fair", I petition. "Why is this happening?"
My voice of reason replies, "It's just one of life's lessons, you take the good days with the bad but it's not all doom and gloom", he assures me. By now my dialogue includes "It's a bloody stupid lesson if you ask me! 5 years - gone!" I leave my vehicle wounded and proceed to my flat where my cat waits to greet me. We had it all, and here I am living in someone else's back yard in a flat, with a cat and lots of tea. I've become the stereotype of the single woman in her 30's and this wasn't my plan.
We don't stop learning
I may as well have pressed a panic button (and later that afternoon I had by accident) to let my spiritual network know that I needed comfort. Then, she called me. She being a friend that has more wisdom than I do years of my life yet in the same breath is also still learning.
"You're upset", she observes, "I'm coming over". This is the part when I pushed the panic button instead of the gate opening button and in a funny and ironic way, as if a Freudian slip of the finger, I realised I wasn't in fact, okay. For the first time since we've parted I was breaking down, it was sinking in and the strength I had pulled out of nowhere had dissolved. Miserable with flu, exhausted on all levels, I was done.
As she walks through the gate to my courtyard, her outstretched arms embrace me and I cry, a lot. Between tears, gasps and snot I cry tears of lost love, disappointment and anger - lots of anger. I cry now as I type this, this wasn't how it was meant to be in my mind and on my terms.
As the tears stream down my face and meet with her shoulder, she strokes the back of my head, she may as well have been stroking my soul. Human contact, or lack thereof, is the downside of being single. She responds with the best advice she has, "It's one of life's lessons". I'm kinda getting sick of hearing that pain, suffering and misguidance is okay, but it is.
Follow the leader
I had arranged a breakfast meeting in my snotty stage of influenza with a friend, a young aspiring make up artist looking for answers and greatly jaded by her life experiences to date. I see the beauty in her, the light and the joy - she has forgotten any of it exists within.
As she pours out her heart to me about her recent break up, and her struggles at the tender age of 23, I find myself dishing back the same insight. "It's one of life's lessons". Has this phrase become a cliched response to our personal low points, or is there some truth behind it? I know she's going to be okay, I know that this is just a phase, therefore it must be one of life's lessons. A lesson that she's either going to grow from or 'die' inside because of. The choice is hers and I can't decide it for her.
I return home and plop into bed, it's 4pm and I don't care. I'm going through my own 'stuff' and I could sleep forever. The depression has hit me and then the voice inside my head starts analyzing the 'life lesson' theory.
So, you want to know the truth?
If you're battling to accept the divorce application you've been resisting for 3 years or the retrenchment you're facing. If you can't deal with the death of a loved one and find yourself questioning the meaning of life and the days of grey skies and thunderstorms. If you're wondering why life is 'unfair' or 'cruel' and why we have to go through these uncomfortable periods of relearning and regrowing - it's because it is in fact, part of life's lessons.
As spiritual beings having a human experience, our lessons in this life include the good and the bad. After the rain, there is always growth. It presents us with constant opportunities of putting our best foot forward when we're actually feeling less than positive, less than happy and maybe even the lowest of the low. It's about continually seeking out the hidden meanings behind the things that occur and those opportunities will keep occurring until the day we die. The alternative to embracing change and hurt, is being a victim of our circumstances. The alternative is a road on which I have long since decided to get off. Life is good, it is sweet and bitter and crazy.
I thought about the love I have for my cat Tiger. Holding him up to my face I find myself cooing, "You love your mother, don't you!". His affections for me fast forward me to a future me whereby my own children are going to make me feel vulnerable and open to hurt. They are going to disappoint and they are going to be part of other personal hurts and challenges I have to face, why, because it's part of life's lessons.
The sooner you realise that days like these are temporary but they will return, the less pressure we put on ourselves to be okay, all the time! There may not be a constant state of joy, but there can be a lesson learned in each sad and stormy day that helps us be the best version of ourselves we can be.
Like love, joy and peace, there will be days of rain and even thunderstorms. The difference between the two is in accepting that they are both here to help us learn - about us, about others and about our life purpose.
Never stop growing. Life is beautiful and the Universe is conspiring to help you achieve all things that serve your greater good. Don't stop believing in the goodness and joy in this world that will return. It's just life's lessons, it's not forever and it's not here to keep you where you are. Use your pain as a compass, find faith in your Higher power and tomorrow the sun will shine again!
No comments:
Post a Comment