I drafted it the day of his birthday, or what would have at least been his 42nd celebration on the 23rd of April this year. I didn't manage to get around to typing up this post because it didn't feel like the right time, I mean, how do you quantify someones life in one post?
2 weeks in the Fynbos
So here I am in Cape Town for work. As I approach the close of my stay, I'm reminded daily of my life with him. For some reason (although I've visited this beautiful province many times since his early departure) I can't seem to shake the uncomfortable memories that haunt me.
I think its apt to say that now is the right time to salute this fallen hero, maybe not a hero to all but to most that knew him. I see his smile in my head, it feels as if he's never left me. His last words about me included "I hope her new fiancee is able to handle her". My heart is heavy as the edges of my lips turn upward in a commemorative smirk. He always knew how feisty I was, years before I did. As I come into my own, 10 years after his death, I realise that he knew me far better than I knew myself.
The flood
It doesn't matter where I go, he's always there. His face at the local Spar in Parklands, where he scolded me for spending too much money on groceries. As I drive through to Big Bay Beach Club I'm taken back to our lives in our little 2 bedroom beach view apartment. How simple life was then, how much I didn't appreciate it all.
My mom asked me if I could move back, perhaps start a life here again. The truth is that I don't think I could. The air, the feelings - all equate to him. Perhaps its my guilt and despair that I'm feeling, perhaps the 'what if's' of my past/future. I guess he's staring down smiling thinking, "You got this Tan".
How do you part from someone only to realise you were asleep the whole time, and once you realise how much they really meant its way too late. How is life so cruel? There are so many things I would do differently, so many parts of myself that I wish I could show him. So many things I could have been and done for and with him. But for the 2 years we were together and the short engagement we shared, I know that I know that I know that Haydn saw in me what I was yet to see in myself. He saw potential, he saw love, he saw spirit and he loved me - as flawed as I was (and believe me that the 21 year old me was very green) yet he loved me, completely.
To you - over and over again!
So, my Hayds. We may not have had the most mature of relationships and our 10 year age difference may have (and did have) many tongues wagging as to why and how you could have loved such a childish and immature me but I thank you for teaching me so many lessons, years and years and years after our break up.
Heaven is no doubt richer for having you there, I know you're with me. Thank you for the message that you sent recently, Lisa passed it on and I'm so grateful. I guess at the end of the day our loved ones never really leave, it's more a case of us forgetting to remember how close they really are.
I love you, so much. And for what it's worth, I'm so sorry I couldn't have been more.
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