Let me put things into perspective. I'm an (almost) 31 year old woman with a c.v that has daunted many recruitment agents. Yet in the same breath my colourful career path is supposedly a "huge plus" that "showcases" my "all rounder", "versatile" and "experienced" skills. Try explain this to every agent you meet and that you're looking for "that one job that makes my heart sing" at my age. You will receive a smirk, a grimace or a shoulder shrug.
A gift of many talents
I've been searching for my purpose for as long as I can recall. Since the age of 12 I composed my own music to the melodic chords of my guitar. I wrote poetry that was way beyond my years, I was a South African first aid champion with full colours at school by the time I was 16. Later in life I found myself studying Massage Therapy to make extra money, passing all three courses with commendations from my instructor. I studied art and photography at school and yearned to be a graphic designer, working in advertising. Without any financial means to study I found myself working at any form of full time employment I could find. I joined my Taekwondo club at age 28 with Gauteng Provincial colours for my weight and grade.
This year I enrolled at Vega Brand School to study a 6 month Integrated Brand Communications course in the hopes of working towards a creative career. With Craig's unfailing support and fortunate financial assistance at the time, I passed my course albeit our house move, my new job and the grueling after-hour studies. My incessant desire to be in a creative role found me excelling at public speaking and group presentations. Could this be another "check" in the right direction of my communication skills?
I ran my own photography business part time for 3 years before I was head hunted by a large corporate and am currently studying Energy Healing through Metavarsity. I've done a lot - and still no tingly, life changing feeling.
This isn't a self praise session, this is the setting of the last 30 years of my life. A constant search for discovery as the Jack of all trades, master of none. Some people admire it, some people think I need to grow up and conform.
The critics live among us
Eventually you figure out who loves you unconditionally and who isn't afraid to just bombard you with their truth of your life. Being told by numerous family members that I would never amount to anything without matric maths (not that I stood a hope in hell) I've always imagined my life to be doomed to failure. Problem with listening to others is that it robs you of your own authentic North Star guidance (Martha Beck, Finding your own North star is a must read) and slowly your gut feel turns you into a head case over nights of analyzing and soppy self pity sessions.
I've never really felt sorry for myself in not knowing where I'm meant to be in the greater scheme of things, but I have felt a massive amount of embarrassment in owning up to not being able to conform to just any career path. Nothing has felt right, nothing has fit this artistic and creative soul. Nothing has felt worth sacrificing for, nevertheless, the most supportive of friends can become the harshest of critics, and soon the self beating continues where it left off. "Maybe I'm just a lazy, useless human being who can't commit to anything?". The critics had won.
Becoming your own cheer team - one thought at a time
So here I am, passionate about writing but not passionate enough to do it full time - or will I find out I love it if I just took a course? Passionate about food but a life as a chef isn't exactly my dream job - or maybe I could have my cake and eat it? (See what I did there)
At a recent life coaching session (yes it came to this) I sat across the table staring blankly in our coaches direction. Our session is an hour long and I can hardly think straight I'm so tired from work. She's giving me the usual, "If I gave you a million rand what would you do with it", analogy. Well, to be honest I'd probably travel the world for a month, find an island and drink Mai Tai's till I passed out. What do you think!
This isn't working for me and its no fault of hers. I thought that by seeking help from someone else, they would be able to literally instruct me to do something as a career so that I wouldn't have to keep failing at it. I was looking for a command, I was looking for a set of rules to magically guide me to my life's work. I had considered so many careers, surely this woman could see my definitive passions and gifts?
I had a million memories in my mind of Mrs Dore, our career guidance teacher back at high school. She was trying to help me pinpoint my passion without success, "Why can't I do everything?", I recall asking her. I wanted to be a journalist, a paramedic, a writer, a teacher, a dance instructor, a police officer, a professional horse rider, an archeologist, a detective. There was no one thing I wanted to do because I just loved trying out new things and discovering until I dabbled enough to put it on hold and get back to the few that stuck out the most.
Every company I've worked for has been for necessity sake, after all, we all have to work to live. Every single one of them has left me empty, forced me to compromise my values and this little voice inside my head just kept screaming - "Get out!"
My last session with the life coach found me at breaking point. It had been 4 sessions of poking at my past and relentless self examination until one day I realised that the only person that can help me find myself, is me. I think she took my leave of absence personally until I mailed her to assure her that one of her questions had stuck and was the catalyst for thought changing reflection.
"What makes you tick?" she asked me, "Define yourself?" I didn't know how to answer. I didn't know what personality I had and since that last session I've chosen to surround myself with all things I love, discovering what makes me tick and tock and rock around the clock. I've since visited an owl rehabilitation centre in Dullstroom, walked with elephants in Limpopo and I've started baking, of all things, experimenting with all the things that make my heart sing (DIY and sewing is next on my list).
Until this point I hadn't really developed my own identity. I was living from day to day as life was passing me by. Our life coach doesn't know how much that simple question helped me. I'm defining my identity, one adventure at a time.
Wanderlust and Cough Mixture
I finally accepted two realities in my life. 1. I'm getting older and 2. I need to find that one thing that makes me sing loudest of all. I could easily work towards a career in marketing and PR (another creative outlet) but so far the hours are intense, my body has taken a beating and my nerves are shot. Being described as high energy and never being able to just sit still for more than 10 minutes, the thought of seeking medical help for ADD had occurred to me. I have since realised that no amount of attention deficient medication would help me because my body and soul were simply not in sync with my stubborn, analytical and judgmental mind.
Martha Beck refers to our bodies being our compasses, unable to lie or be fooled. She's an amazing author who I've met in person and who has helped me in so many ways as I journey on to finding my own North Star. She says in her book that your body is the direct gauge of your truth. I have just taken leave and I have found myself not only sick with laryngitis but a chest and sinus infection, the second sickly plague in 6 months.
A colleague at work recently told me that I needed to manage my stress better, as if this already analytical and busy person that I am could just stop the pressure clock. Tell that to my adrenal glands as I work over weekends to tight deadlines and late nights at the office. The stress and anxiety I've been manifesting is my compass directing me right outta there, but I've chosen to ignore it. I mean, I can't keep leaving posts after a few months, just another job to add to the ever growing c.v. I'm an overachiever, a perfectionist and a leader, with no desire to achieve, perfect or lead anything to date. An interesting paradox that would bore any psychologist and no ones fault except my own.
So here I am, 5 days of coughing, frustration and disappointment. This wasn't the way I had envisioned my well deserved break. That lump on the couch is me. With no desire to move, breathe or lift a finger. I've had plenty of time to just "be" and its all caught up with me. I sat staring at the TV, I wasn't interested in the infomercials and my thoughts turned once again to my life purpose.
My mother is the biggest support I've ever known, spiritually and more, if only she was around to rub my back and tell me it would be alright, assuring me that not knowing where I would be in 5 years isn't a downfall but requires patience with oneself as things unfold naturally. Deeply submerged in reflection, I realised that all the chakra's that were blocked in my body were those of communication and self expression. What truth am I hiding from myself?"
Wanderlust is a movie where a couple finds themselves desperate for peace and salvation from their stressful lives after the husband is fired from his New York job. In finding nothing but judgement from their family the couple land up at a hippy commune called Elysium. At one pivitol point in this comedy the mood changes to a sombre note as the couple are forced to address and voice their issues with their partners in a "Truth Circle". Paul Rudd (who plays the husband) turns to his wife (Jennifer Aniston) and rants about all her non committal choices.
In a vicious outrage, he relays his disappointment and lack of support. "Do you know how hard it is to work as hard as I do and get no appreciation, just so you can do whatever flight of fancy you want to do this year. Whether its pottery, whether its photography, do you know how hard it is to be married to someone whose still trying to figure out their major?"
Needless to say there was a huge white elephant in the room as the scene rippled through my soul. I had to date majored - in nothing.
When you have no ability to speak, its the perfect time to listen
So I haven't mentioned what the other long term option was. Yes PR and marketing is an option but one vision has been under my nose this whole time.
The one consistent thing in my life has been my connectivity to Spirit. Manifesting my gifts to communicate, share, guide and heal, it has been with me all my life.
As if it all came together just now I realised that my "major" is in fact healing and helping others. My current role is a client services one, I've served as a reservist ambulance assistant, I enjoy relaying messages from friends and relatives that have passed on to those needing closure. This is my gift, my talent and the most consistent thing in my life. Often being ridiculed for my hypersensitivity to others, I realised that my biggest gift and talent is in fact being 100% me. Born into a family of highly intuitive souls, my "major" has been with me all along.
Over the years my gift has developed and been fine tuned as I've listened and exercised my psychic muscles. If every career choice I've made to date, every job I've hated and done for salary's sake has lead me to understand that I'm on the right track, I'd do it all again to learn the lessons each role permitted.
The negative assumption that I can't make a living in this capacity has kept me from pursuing it. No one else can be more me than me, so surely my major would be a stress free role, with huge responsibility and lots of personal discovery. Love what you do and the rest will follow. The jobs I've had come with conformity that I hate, routine that I need and another paradox of symbiotic circumstances.
So why haven't I accepted it before? I surround myself with all things thought provoking. I have more crystals in my room than there are in our communal garden. I have the ability to communicate and now I realise it can be used for good as the woman who lost her husband is reassured that it was his time to go, the man whose wife lost her battle to cancer wants him to know she's safe on the other side and the sister who lost her brother tragically is constantly watching over her. How can I deny all the gifts I have? How can I deny this great gift that will be my major. Whether I believe it or not, this role has chosen me!
Ready to plan, visualise and manifest
If you're still reading this, thank you and well done. All it took was one salty bath on a summers evening to realise that this is it - I am a healer and teacher. Nothing will ever fit as well as this, it cannot be taken from me and I don't ever get bored of sharing and caring. I yearn to help others, the satisfaction I get out of assisting people is ridiculously rewarding. This is who I am not some hard, callous businesswoman, fighting tight deadlines and sacrificing her soul of her personal balance and Chi.
You don't have to believe in this, you don't have to support or understand this decision - all I know is that it resonates with my soul and I have every bit of conviction that its the right thing to do. It literally just came to me.
So, if this pertains to you and you're trying to figure out where to be, what to become or how to handle a situation, then consider your body compass. If you're ailing in any specific part of your body what causative issues are blocking your chakra's? No one is less intuitive than the other, each of us has the ability to hear if they are ready to listen and acknowledge.
I feel better already.
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