Anyone who knows me well will be able to recall (in detail) all my deeply psychological and philosophical conversations on life and the purpose of it, specifically mine.
I'm at a severely confusing time of my life, the same time that one would imagine Van Gogh would have experienced towards his end of days. The same torment that drove the man to severing his ear because of his frustration and angst. If I didn't value my ears so much I'm sure I would have followed suit by now, however, my torment has resulted in hours and hours of reflection and a deep restlessness in my soul.
Recently a very close counterpart of mine verbally whiplashed me (as she does when she knows she's right) about how its an insult to the god's when one doesn't recognize their talents. This very same lady friend carried on with her loving assault for another 2 minutes on how many talents I possess and how ungrateful I was being. This conversation had come about when I had told her that having so many talents was a burden because it didn't leave one with a definite sense of direction. Photography, writing, first aid, music - its all too much to decide on just one thing to specialize in. Can't I just keep exploring until I find the right fit?
Guilty as sin
Over the next couple of days I mulled over her words. Perhaps I wasn't seeing the glass as full as she was, in fact, I've probably been viewing my talents as a set of traits by which I had been victim of. A victim if you will, of my own awesomeness. I felt disgusted at my lack of gratitude and continued to feel sorry for myself until Saturday evening. Could the life I'm searching for be the one I'm already living?
I had met up with a client of mine from a recent shoot who was awaiting her photographs in anticipation. She too shared her admiration for my many gifts and talents. "I have had only one career", she said blankly, "We're the same age and I don't have the creativity you possess. Having your ability to create would be having the ability to choose". I felt shallow and ignorant.
Vocation vs career vs job
I'm reading a book by Jonathan Milligan called "Know yourself: A proven formula to discover the work you love". Milligan starts off his book with a brief overview of vocation versus career versus a job. He illustrates how a vocation is a general idea of what your work path for your life will entail. The career could be many different options that you could choose from in order to live this vocation and the job is what you would need to do to achieve this career.
For example, if I wanted to make my vocation "A life of service to others through healing modalities" (this would be my first choice) my career paths could be one of a writer/healer/teacher/massage therapist/reiki master/counsellor and my job would be one of those things that would aid in that specific career. According to Milligan one can have between 8-10 careers over their entire lives! *based on American statistics at time of print
Definition of success
I'm not going to lie to you and tell you that my definition of success has been to achieve world peace because I'm far more selfish than that. My definition of success as at 1 March 2012 was to have a high paying job, be in demand at the office, have a new car, personalized business cards on my desk and my own office door to slam in the faces of those who bugged me. Ok, I wouldn't actually be slamming anything but in my imagination it sounded glamourous and the type of thing a corporate diva would do.
I had heard how many people had defined success by how many hours they spend with their families, being the perfect wife/mother, enjoying time resting - and you can bet that my judgmental self looked on and thought, "How lame".
That was until I achieved all these things and realized that success is being able to enjoy balance. Balance that means you're not enslaved in your 8-5 job while your partner sits at home wondering where you are at 21h30. Success is the complete opposite of your so called 8-5 job that just became an open ended ticket to a heart attack and a Generalized Anxiety Disorder. My definition has changed in 6 months. My priorities and my focus are now on being a well balanced (less of a workaholic) person, contributing to the world in the hopes of making a change. By Jove, I think I just found my vocation!
Less brainpower, more heart power
Last week I was told that my dream job was available on a part time basis. The role of contributing writer to a well known blog. I was overjoyed when I made contact with the editor, could this be the career that will make my vocation a reality? I had all my ducks in a row, referral to Tans Slice of Life, explanation of current work demands and a pinch of "pick me, pick me!" in my email to her.
Hoping for a lucky break I was shot down by the full term role that this position had become, how could this freelance post become a full time position overnight? My heart was broken and in that moment I felt as if I wanted to turn my back on my writing efforts. But the truth I felt in my application to her was as reassuring and right as a mothers kiss goodnight. In being faced with this option that I had put out to the Universe, I had created my own reality. It was confirmation that what you imagine, you manifest.
My plan of action is to carry on regardless, for the sake of love and passion for telling stories. I won't be putting my dreams to bed just because of one small set back. I know that writing is a career that, regardless of my manic day job, will greatly contribute to my work path, my vocation, my job. Perhaps its time I sat down and found out who I am first before trying to define myself by a specific career.
If you're anything like me chances are you're probably already on the path you're meant to be. Getting to know who you are first may just be the key to sanity and salvation.
Baby steps grasshopper, baby steps.
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