My brains domain

So its 02h43 a.m and I'm dreaming of something random as I always do. I've noticed that on nights I dream I don't manage to get back to sleep so I prefer to stay so busy I shut down to a grinding halt of exhaustion.

02h44 a.m and my eyes split open. I'm aware of my surroundings, I'm completely awake. My brains domain, the darkness of the early hours of the morning and several plans are conjuring up like a cumuli nimbus cloud of thought. "Where did I put that new pair of shoes I bought in March?" my brain wonders. I turn to my phone too afraid to look at the time in fear that my mind has won and the light is the white flag of surrender. 02h45 a.m and I'm calculating the hours before I rise. 

With approximately 2 hours before I wake for my working day I've managed to construct a rough draft for several emails I need to send when I get to the office. I bargain with myself as to what time is the best time to wake in comparison to waking at later hours with a slight sleep in on the cards. Late for work means more stress, so I decided to get up early. 

"Breakfast", I continue. "Bread or cereal?", I continue to ponder. I quickly sum up the nutritional debate of a gluten versus gluten free start to my day. I'm so tired. It feels as if I've slept for twenty minutes. Why am I always this exhausted? I mull over my dream, the meaning of it all and then I drift to the familiar 'meaning of life' section in my brains "Library of Tanith's mind". I know this aisle well, I think I've got a subscription to books I fill in this section. I stare at the door and then at the mirror as my eyes adjust in the dark. I consider turning on the light but I don't want to wake Craig. He's a heavy sleeper with a sensitivity to light that will just aggravate him. Out of consideration I leave the light off and flip through my phones Facebook app instead.  

"Ah thats nice, they got engaged", I think to myself. Another status includes the contents of the lunchbox of a colleague and another that of the rain in Durban. "I'm awake for this", I contest to myself.  Trying to avoid eye contact with the time section of my phone I pop downstairs to the toilet. I peep out the window as I draw the curtains slowly from the wall. I do this every night as if there will be someone standing there to greet me, a stray animal in my 6x6 meter yard or a Santa spotting at my exact time of investigation. As I sit on the toilet I'm aware of every single noise and movement around me. The lights outside the bathroom window are bright and I'm always fooled into thinking that the neighbors are awake. Its just their spots but I fall for it every time. 

Trying so hard to just keep my brain in limbo, it's that warm and fuzzy zone where one can just flop back into bed and continue with a snuggly sleep. Alas it never happens. I continue on with my walk up our creaky stair case, convinced I'm not alone and that something is going to grab me from between the steps. It never does. 

I dare not take a look at my phone, I must try to just sleep. Time is of the essence. "Don't forget to get to work earlier than usual. There's a meeting with the directors at 10 a.m and you need to have your act together. Don't forget to defrost the chicken for dinner tomorrow night, you can't have take out again. And before you forget to take your multivitamins for the hundredth time maybe you should decant the bottle of vitamin B's on the counter. Put it in your bag immediately and do it before you brush your teeth. Your shoes are dirty, you can't wear boots again this week. Try diversify your wardrobe Tan. Try doing something a little smarter on Wednesdays and not the usual midweek dress down. Oh crap, you forgot to edit the last of the photographs for your two clients last week. Best you get on that but don't stress too much it isn't good for you. Water, you must drink more water. And gym, R250 a month for a membership you don't use. Come on man!", I feel my chest tighten with anxiety.

"Work: its almost December, but where do we go? What are we going to do? I know Craig needs a break but maybe we should just chill at home?" I envision myself on the couch and start bargaining with myself again. "I could pay off my credit card faster if I was diligent enough, we should live life to the fullest, but also save. Tan you don't save enough." 
I roll over, pick up my phone and yawn as quietly as I can. The dogs are barking outside and I can faintly hear the sound of the cars in the distance as they travel on the highway. Its 02h58 - I'm wide awake. And then it hits me, Katy Perry's wide awake song over and over and over .....

My brains domain, the early hours of each morning. I promise myself to do more meditation before bed. I promise myself more exercise and not to drink too much water before bed time. I never do it. I constantly live a life of fear as I try to control every single event and consequence. Its my way of anticipating the worst, that way I won't be caught by surprise. I'm exhausted. "This is crazy, how on earth can I manage to have children if I hardly sleep", I worry to myself in the dark of my loft bedroom. I paid good money for the King Koil bed I'm laying on. My pillows are all special edition sleep enhancers and yet this. 

So my brain is in for a surprise. I'm going to empty it out slowly but surely. I promise myself that I'm going to get on top of things personally and at work. I'm going to blog about my dreams and I'm going to improve my meditation and gym sessions by making the time. Until then I'm counting sheep and trying to stop the noise in my head. Its loud and its been around since I was a child, I'm pretty sure I'm not alone and I'm convinced that a dream analysis institute would love me as a test subject. This is my routine. 


I drift off and promise myself that tomorrow night will be different, but will it. Perhaps if I made friends with the sheep we could come up with a plan together and incorporate the Sand man, a fairy godmother and a couple of elves. Until then best I get to bed early in the hopes of a head start.