Today I fell victim to a heart attack. It happened suddenly and I couldn't help but sit down and go with it.
As it broke I could hear the sound of the pieces fall around me, my vulnerable soul had been pricked with reality. This is it, this is my life right now - and it sucks!
About five minutes before the cardiac cruelty that had been inflicted upon me, I was sitting at my bosses desk with a panic in my veins that can only be induced by adrenal fatigue. The same boss whose every word is just so perfectly rounded, crisp and eloquent and the man whom so many of us admire because of his imperial temperament. This ever sullen and volatile director of my daily ship chose sarcasm to venomously taint my particularly vulnerable spirit.
Today I had meant to be at the office at 06h45 to open the training centre for a course. I however, had completely forgotten. It wasn't a lack of competence, today for the first time in many years, I had just well, forgotten. My brains lack of sleep and my bodies lack of exercise coupled with weeks of weekend work and private commitments and worry had finally caught up with me.
So there he sat glaring at me over something completely non related to my late start, a grizzly snarl in his voice reduced me to a pathetic pile of apathy.
"I get it", I lied, hoping he would change the subject and move on. Today wasn't the best day I've had, in fact it has probably been the hardest in a long time.
Shutting my office door and locking it behind me, I sat at my desk while the memory of my hearts attack replayed in my mind. My soul, almost trapped in my body screaming "Let me free!", was all I could hear. Paddocks and open fields of fresh air soothed the stabbing and Martha Beck's face appeared in my mind as I imagined her telling me to follow that North star that is shining so brightly. But where the hell is my North star and why can't I see it? Is it really dark in here or are my eyes just closed? Tears and gasps of air were all the emulated from my bruised ego. It continued for at least 40 minutes until there was no more make up to remove, no more tissues to use.
Numb and dishevelled my day continued as I ploughed through meetings almost undone. Something has to be done. Life must offer more than this! So why am I still stuck? Why is my North star not shouting "Become an accountant Tanith!", or "You know you want to work as an Events Co-ordinator" - some direction would be nice. A set of instructions to life's typical blue Monday's and beyond would have done about now.
Tomorrow is another day and tomorrow my slate is clean. A new dawn brings new beginnings. So I've got to keep searching, because I know its a matter of time before this hearts attack becomes its defense and the phoenix is reborn.
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